“Football’s for queers.”
A little girl named Brooke, wearing a ridiculous dress, carries a doll as she walks away from her house. VO threatens to spank her if she goes to the swamp. She sings as she walks her doll (Little Brooke) down a gravel road, to the swamp. She arrives at a rickety-ass clubhouse. Inside is a Raggedy-Anne doll.
Brooke hears the sound of a motorcycle so she leaves the clubhouse to hide, right outside? This actually turns out to be a good idea because the couple on the bike immediately go inside where the guy basically tries to rape the girl. On the plus side, we got boobage within the first 5 minutes of the film. On the minus side, we only get a few seconds cuz this guy is a fucken asshole and she rejects him. In his anger, he rips off Little Brooke’s head, all the while, Brooke is on the outside looking in, disgusted. Asshole calls his girl a “fucken bitch!” gets back on his bike, revs up the motor, then gets re-pissed cuz she’s taking too long to come out and get back on the bike.
Brooke shovels mud into a bucket as she watches them leave. They drive up the trail and doubleback. At this point, all we know is that this guy’s an asshole and Brooke is a kid as she comes around the blind corner. Just when you’re expecting her to get Pet Sematary’d by a motorcycle, she flings a garden shovel fulla mud into Asshole’s face causing him to crash, killing him and his girl by impalement. Kinda sad his girl had to die too, she didn’t do anything.
18 Years Later: A Biology classroom. The class is dissecting frogs and for some reason they think it’s hilarious. The teacher is visibly frustrated and the students are assholes so she slaps one of them (Mr. Dickens. Why do teachers stereotypically always call the students Mr. whatever their last name is when they don’t like them?) Just as the bell rings. She takes a drink of... Water?
The students exit class and Mr. Dickens is pissed. He recruits a newly retired football player (Jon-Jon, the Captain stole his girl) into his gang. Everyone thinks Jon-Jon is a coward.
Back in the classroom, as the Biology teacher picks the exams up off the floor, the football coach, Coach Heaton, pays her a visit. BTW, her name is Brooke, the same Brooke who killed the asshole and his girlfriend on the motorcycle 18 years ago. Not sure if that’s a spoiler or not, we didn’t have IMDb back in 1989 and she has the same name. He invites her to the game in a creepy way and gets denied.
After school in the parking lot, Jon-Jon sits with Mr. Dickens in his car drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels with the top down, Vanilla Ice style, as Smiler and Queenie pull up on a scooter. Mr. Dickens wants to go down to the swamp that night, but they all decline despite his claim that those murders are a myth. They make plans to go to the football game the following night instead.
Mr. Dickens and Jon-Jon follow Brooke home, though Jon-Jon is not on board. He wants to keep his A in Biology. They peep her in the shower till the phone rings. She gets outta the shower, still lathered up, and answers. It’s Coach Heaton. She changes her mind and agrees to go to the game. If you’re under the age of 40, you’re probably wondering why she would interrupt her shower to answer the phone. It was the 80’s man! If the phone rang and you didn’t answer it, you’d never know who called, unless they later called back and told you they called earlier, otherwise, calls just got lost in the ether. Ether, almost a Biology pun.
The next night, Jon-Jon drives his own car over to Queenie’s house. There’s an 80’s saxophone soft-porn score playing while she’s doing 80’s yoga. She flashes her tits and they go to the game.
On the way into the game, Mr. Dickens passes an injured player on a stretcher. He pulls out a large knife and offers to start the operation early till the paramedics show up. They look at the knife and don’t even bat an eye!
Mr. Dickens then meets up with the others. Despite being some kinda punk-anti-football-rebel, he still wears what looks like a team jacket. To stir things up, they hop into Mr. Dickens car and drive onto the field in the middle of a play. Jon-Jon completes an interception from the passenger seat. A couple of cookies later, they drive away with the game ball. Who wrote this shit? Mr. Dickens is still bent on going to the swamp. He has a plan.
Coach Heaton takes Brooke home, but she won’t let him in, shot down again!
The gang arrive at the swamp. They gather mud into bags? Jon-Jon starts to hook up with Queenie till Mr. Dickens interrupts. Annoyed, they put the bags into the car.
Apparently, Brooke still lives in the same house from the opening of the film. The plan is to scare her. She's in her house grading papers on a Friday night after the game. Isn’t that how we view teachers? She teaches and grades and occasionally goes to school events... She’s not a human, she’s a red-penned machine. They sneak up to her house with masks on. Like Halloween masks, not robber masks, and start banging on the house and splattering swamp mud slime. Brooke comes out and gets a face full, the same slime she used to kill that couple 18 years ago. A car pulls up, it’s her teacher friend (Coach Hamm) and the gang scatter. Hamm takes care of her as the gang get back into their car, but where is Mr. Dickens?
Coach Hamm leaves Brooke alone in bed and Mr. Dickens sneaks in. He goes to her room where she lay paralyzed. He basically tries to rape her until Queenie walks in. She pushes him away, then she continues where he left off. Did Coach Hamm drug her? Jon-Jon interrupts, which leads to a fight between he and Mr. Dickens. Brooke comes to in the middle of it and jumps out the window. They’re on the second floor!
Assuming she’s dead, they bail. Dickens feels no remorse. He convinces the gang that they need to get something that belongs to the quarterback to plant at the scene to get themselves off the hook. They send Jon-Jon to the cafe where Quarterback hangs out after games. He steals Quarteback's jacket, slashes his tire, then speeds off. The football team hear him and immediately follow.
Back at the house: Brooke’s eyes open, dun dun dun!
The gang is waiting for Jon-Jon at Brooke’s house. They get into a big fight and Queenie goes outside where she hears a voice. It’s Brooke. “Help me...” Queenie tries to help, but instead is met by a brick to her head, multiple times.
Meanwhile: Jon-Jon can’t go back to the house because he’s got the football team following him! He’s actually innocent, this would be a good time to stop and turn himself in especially considering his concern about his future. But no.
Smiler and Mr. Dickens wait in the house as Smiler worries.
Jon-Jon arrives at the house. He hears Brook’s voice and follows thinking it’s Queenie, which leads him to Queenie’s corpse, then Brooke offs him.
Smiler has all he can take so he leaves the house and sees Mr. Dickens’ car. Jon-Jon made it! Nope. Brooke stalks. He goes back into the house to tell Mr. Dickens. Suddenly, he doesn’t feel so good so he goes upstairs to the bathroom and gets stabbed through the temple with a pencil. Brooke then runs down the stairs and stabs Mr. Dickens with a butcher knife, pinning him to the wall.
Outside: Jon-Jon is still alive. He gets up, confused.
Inside: Brooke has Mr. Dickens strung up to the wall and is planning to dissect him. She thinks he’s the asshole from the opening she killed for hurting her doll. Jon-Jon comes to the rescue. He tackles Brooke into a table and frees Mr. Dickens. But Dickens is freaking out. The myth is true, she killed the two teenagers down at the swamp! He leaps over the couch with the knife that previously pinned him to the wall. He lands on Brooke with the the knife in her throat, but gets impaled with a fire poker for his efforts. Jon-Jon lays Quarterback’s jacket over their bodies and leaves.
When Jon-Jon gets home he stares at the static on the tv. He’s bummed. He’s lost all of his good friends he met yesterday.
Next day: There’s a substitute teacher in Biology. Jon-Jon stares out the window and sees the cops roll up. They burst into the classroom and handcuff Quarterback who says, “What’re ya doin, I’m on the football team!” They take him away and Jon-Jon is off the hook and got revenge on the guy who stole his girl at the same time. The substitute gets in his face to get his attention, but he just stares out the window until finally he turns, looks at her, and lets out a long scream that lasts a long minute. The End.
Afterthought: I don’t know that I’d categorize this as a Slasher considering the killer only killed three people: Two on accident and one in self-defense. I loved how 1989 this film was, but other than that, not much there. There was a bunch of shit happening that flows while you’re watching it, but afterwards it doesn’t really make any sense. It was pointless escalation after pointless escalation from characters you couldn’t identify with because they were so cliche and bland. Eventually, you identify with Jon-Jon by default. You sympathize with him because he got cut from the football team, Quarterback stole his girl, everyone thinks he’s a coward, his new love interest gets killed, he’s the last alive out of all of his new friends, his tv doesn’t work correctly....
So the Badass Award goes to Jon-Jon. He saved Mr. Dickens, although Dickens died shortly after anyway. Jon-Jon didn’t really do much, but he was the only character who wasn’t a piece of shit, despite framing Quarterback for murder.
What did we learn? Survival Tips:
1) Never fuck with a little girl’s doll.
2) Don’t slap your students.
3) Don’t do pranks based on urban legends.