“Punctuality is the thief of time dear!”
Opening: An old ass mini-screened tube TV sitting on a floor. The screen is static, then we see a talk show host talking to the mutilated survivor of Art the Clown. The victim kinda looks like ET and of course, the host is beautiful. Art the Clown is elsewhere, pacing and watching the old TV. After the interview, the ET chick overhears the host laughing and talking shit about her on the phone backstage. Bye bye host.
Elsewhere, two drunk girls, Dawn and Tara stumble to their car. Art the Clown, AKA, the Terrifier is taking out the trash. Literally, he’s carrying a huge Glad-Bag. They acknowledge him, then decide neither are fit to drive so they go to a nearby pizza joint. It’s Halloween or close to and they’ve just left a costume party. Enter the Terrifier. He sits at a nearby table and pulls creepy faces at them. Dawn is the fearless flaky friend, who couldn’t sense real danger if it bit her on the ass while Tara is the sensible one. They get their pizza and the owner violently throws the Terrifier out after he uses the bathroom. Not sure exactly what he did in there, something in between taking a gnarly shit and mutilating a customer.
Afterward, the girls walk back to their car and discover they have a flat so Tara calls her sister, Vic. Vic is studying for mid-terms, but agrees to pick them up after her drunk dorm mate brings a boy home. Dawn and Tara wait in the car. Tara begins connecting the dots: What if the clown slashed the tire? Of course, Dawn is the denier of reality, critical thinking, and common sense-the obvious first victim.
Meanwhile, back at the pizza place, the cook finds the owner’s severed head lit up like a Jack O’Lantern as the Terrifier moves in to kill him. Terrifier? Is that even a word? Why didn’t they just call the movie Art the Clown?
Back to the girls: Tara has to pee (I’m kind of a planner, and I know my bladder, so I would’ve used the pizza bathroom). A creepy guy walks out of a creepy building, but he turns out to be cool. He takes her up to the Trainspotting bathroom and warns her of the rats he was about to bomb. He works there, you’re telling me he doesn’t know of a more sanity bathroom that perhaps the employees use? He asks if she remembers the way back then bails.
While waiting for Tara, even though it’s 2017 and the car is undriveable, Dawn has the radio on, but only since Tara has been gone. A 1950’s special bulletin comes on warning of the double-homicide that just happened at the pizza place, along with a complete description of the Terrifier. I know his name is Art the Clown, but I’m sticking with the Terrifier cuz it’s funnier to me. It seems the director/creator of the Terrifier is stuck in a different century, but didn’t have the wherewithall to just make his films take place in the 70’s, 80’s, or 90’s. She hears sirens as the car door opens and assumes it’s Tara, but it’s actually the Terrifier!
Elsewhere, Tara is done pissing and trying to find her way back. She runs into a weird lady who has a baby that’s actually just a doll. Tara makes up a lie to escape the lady and evidently, this is an apartment complex(?) She goes back to the car, but no Dawn, just the Terrifier in the distance, doing weird Terrifier shit. When she takes her eyes off him, he sneaks up behind her, and stabs her in the leg. He then gets on top of her and starts fighting like that ET chick from the opening, gouging her eyes, till she manages to kick him in the balls and run off and hide. Now she can’t find her way back out of the building. She sees the maintenance guy who let her in and yells, but he’s wearing earbuds and the Terrifier nabs her. He injects her neck with a syringe and she wakes up gagged and tied to a chair. The Terrifier is nearby sorting through his Glad-Bag of tricks deciding which weapon to use. He chooses his trusty ol’ hacksaw, but instead of killing her, he unveils Dawn, hanging upside down, spread eagle and naked, then proceeds to hacksaw her from the vajayjay to her nose (I’m not a girl, but ouch!).
Tara breaks the arms off the chair, now that it’s too late to do anything about Dawn, and escapes. When the Terrifier finds her she beats him down with a 2x4. Little does she know, he’s packin heat, and shoots her in the leg. He shoots her again just below the ribs. There’s a final shot we don’t see and now he’s out of bullets. Three bullets, really? Back to his bag O' tricks as Vic arrives. He finds more bullets as he hears the text message tone from Tara’s phone. He reads the message, takes a selfie with Dawn’s corpse, then shoots Tara in the face, twice. Somehow, Vic does not hear the gunshots. I expected Tara to be the Final Girl, she had all the ingredients!
The crazy doll lady witnesses the final shots and tells Mike, the maintenance guy, but he wants nothing to do with it, which leads to a hammer to his face, and then his phone’s face. Now the crazy doll lady’s “baby” is missing. She finds her “baby” being cradled by the Terrifier. She tries to Luke Skywalker him out of the Death Star as Mike’s buddy arrives. Mike called him just before he died.
Elsewhere, Vic hears Dawn’s phone then finds what’s left of Dawn. She runs away, then thinks she’s found Tara, but it’s actually the Terrifier in disguise and not too far away is the moribund doll lady. He chases her wearing Tara’s tits. She hides where she can watch him from a peephole. He’s kinda got a Texas Chainsaw Massacre The Next Generation look going on. He finds her, but is interrupted by a car horn, it’s Mike’s buddy, who finally finds a way in. Why does this apartment building seem abandoned, yet there are two maintenance men and at least one tenant? Mike’s buddy takes a knife through the top of the head then gets decapitated with a different knife and the Terrifier is back in his own clothes looking like his old self again and now he’s riding a tiny bicycle.
Vic is still trying to escape. The Terrifier greets her with shrink wrap over the face. She pokes a hole in the mouth and escapes. He gives her the finger.
Mike is still alive? Vic finds Tara’s corpse sitting in a chair. As she mourns, the Terrifier has a chain and starts whipping the shit out of her till Mike bashes him from behind and knocks him out. He takes her to a room and calls the police and apparently they’re actually in an old warehouse. He tells the dispatcher to send police and paramedics and that they are leaving. They try to escape, but the Terrifier is back, again, and stomps Mike’s head in. He tries to get Vic, but she pokes him in the eye and makes it outside. Okay, not quite outside. She can see her car, but can’t quite get to it yet. Suddenly, she hears sirens as the Terrifier crashes through the wall in a truck. He starts eating her face as two cops show up, guns drawn. The Terrifier has a gun strapped to his boot. He pulls it out, puts the barrel in his mouth, and pulls the trigger. The cops look sad. They must have known be was white.
The cops drop all of the bodies off at the coroner’s office even though Vic was still alive. After they leave the MD alone, he opens the Terrifier’s bodybag and somehow the Terrifier is still alive and grabs and squeezes his throat, killing him. He even stood up to reveal the blood leaking out of his suicide hole. WTF?
1 Year Later: This made more sense upon second viewing, not sure how I didn’t catch it the first time, maybe I was reading in too much? The ET looking chick from the opening is Vic! The opening is present day and the rest of the film tells the story of what happened prior, setting up sequels: Terrifier is definitely alive and kickin, whatever he’s supposed to be, so is Vic gonna be a crazy killer now too? Dun, dun, dun! Side-note: How did he eat so much of her face in such a little amount of time? He was barely nibbling when the cops showed up, he must’ve been hun-gry!
The Badass Bitch Award goes to Vic? She went to rescue her sister, granted she didn’t know the depth of the rescue. She faced the Terrifier many times without being killed, yet not killing or stopping him either, only to become a deformed homicidal bitch in the end. Definitely not a model Final Girl. The Terrifier doesn’t really make for Badass Awards cuz he’s never really around. Once you get the better of him, he just kinda disappears for awhile.
What did we learn? Survival Tips:
1) Empty your bladder any time you're in a public facility if you don’t know how long it’ll be till you’re getting home again. One of my worst fears is getting into a fight with a full bladder.
2) Save yourself.
3) Just avoid clowns, especially at night, I don’t care if it is Halloween... Hell, I don’t care if it’s the fucken circus!