See No Evil (2006)
I remembered this movie being better the first time I watched it. Maybe I was expecting it to be so bad that when it was okay that made it seem good. This time I was expecting it to be good and it wasn't.
The Jacob Goodnight villain didn't make a whole lot of sense. They kind of pieced him together from flashback sequences of his past, but all that just from jerking off to porn? Christian nuts. Somehow, all the guilt made him impervious to tasers.
For some reason he kept Kira alive....
Eight juvenile delinquents are taken to a hotel to clean it up after a fire that took place thirty years prior, even though it looked in decent condition considering, but nobody actually ever made them clean anything up. It is worth sitting through because the ending is actually pretty funny, especially if you sit through the first part of the credits.
The Badass Bitch Award goes to Christine, even though she couldn't shoot worth a piss and wasted her only two bullets, but she did stick the pipe in Jacob's eye. I would have given Michael the Badass Award, but after he knocked Jacob down with the lead pipe, he ran away instead of finishing him. He can have the first honorary Bitchass Award because that's something a female character usually does to make the movie last longer.
What did we learn? Survival tips:
1) Always finish off the villain.
2) Never scale down the side of a building with an old hose you just found.
3) Although you always want to have a cell phone on you in case of disaster, turn your ringer off when you're hiding from a killer.
See No Evil 2 (2014)
The Soska Sisters
"Baby, get off the dead guy, I mean it!"
Jacob Goodnight's body gets dropped off at the morgue along with flashbacks from the first movie and some that weren't. Kane actually talks in this one, which is something even the WWE won't let him do. He kinda sounds like a deranged preacher.
The only redeeming quality about this movie is Danielle Harris, who has become quite the little, I don't think scream queen is the right word, but she's become quite the little horror movie star with roles in both the original Halloween series and the remakes, the Hatchet trilogy, Urban Legend, and many others. I first remember her as the neighbor on Roseanne. Regardless of what you think of Rob Zombie as a filmmaker, he's definitely watched enough horror to be able to identify the usual suspects.
Danielle plays Amy, and it's her Birthday, almost. She works at said morgue so when the victims from the original start showing up, it looks like her party is going to be postponed.
Seth is her coworker who has a crush on her and Holden is his invalid sidekick. After Amy and Seth drop Jacob off in a room, Amy goes into another room where her friends she was supposed to party with are hiding and waiting for her. That's how fast shit happens in this movie: One minute they're waiting to meet her somewhere, the next, here they are in the morgue.
We are introduced to Amy's friends at the same time Seth is: There's Tamara, the slutty psychology major who gets turned on by psychos, and her boyfriend Carter. Will, Amy's "protective" older brother, and Kayla, who doesn't really do anything to affect the plot of this movie other than have a crush on Will, which fills in about three minutes of screen time. Amy's friends basically showed up so we could watch Jacob kill more than three people. If I were Seth, meeting Amy's circle of friends would really make me rethink my crush on her.
Somehow, Jacob knows the morgue inside out. Within minutes of his body disappearing, he has figured out how to turn off all the power, the phone lines, chain off all the exits, and then return back to Tamara and Carter without missing a beat. It literally took him less than five minutes to do that!
The kill scenes are not great and we still don't know how he came back to life. The first half of the movie is littered with flashbacks, but they eventually stop. He finds a mask and a cool knife that should have decapitated Tamara. If ever there were a time for an exaggerated knife decapitation, Kane's size would have totally justified it. Instead, she just got a gash on her neck and was still alive, which would have been fine if she were going to be the Final Girl, but he finished her off in the same scene. Step up your game Kane, I mean Jacob.
Usually, a sequel tries to one up the original, maybe not in story, but in effects. Either you one up or you make a mockery of the original or the genre. Like Alien had one alien, Aliens had several. Friday the 13th had Jason's mom, part 2 had Jason, and he got bigger and badder with each movie. See No Evil 2? Same dude, and we already know his origin story so we can't even delve into that more. Also, neither of these movies even follow slasher movie rules, so while that was original, there was no character development to attach to. All you had was Danielle's face and the assumption she'd live cuz she's Danielle Harris.
Amy and Seth are the last survivors and even though they work there, they have no idea how to escape. Eventually, Amy opens a window that only she can fit through and goes outside to get Seth's car, but of course, Jacob is out there. Jacob is always right where he needs to be. Amy goes back inside, and Jacob just randomly destroys the window she climbed through. He didn't even know she was in there!
Jacob kills Amy and we have no Final Girl, which is ironic because this movie was directed by two women.
If you didn't know Jacob was played by a professional wrestler going in, you will by the time you watch the final showdown with Seth when they square off in a Tables, Chairs, and Lockers match. This dual is ridiculous because real life Kane would destroy this little guy playing Seth, but Seth keeps bouncing back until eventually embalming him.
Seth goes outside into his car. He drives, but has to stop to open the gate. At this point I know that either Amy or Jacob is still alive. How are they gonna end it? Happy or slaughter? He freezes staring at his car and I have no idea what he staring at when suddenly Jacob appears behind him and pokes out his eyes. The End.
If you couldn't tell, I thought this sequel sucked. It's not that it couldn't be followed up, this was just a shitty attempt. And I didn't hate the first one, it sucked too, but it was fun. This was just... Disappointing would assume I had an expectation. I thought at worst it'd be like the original, I just figured with the Soska sister's name on it there'd be something refreshing about it. I don't like to be overly-critical when I write these, but this might be the worst horror sequel ever. But keep in mind, most sequels are spun off from originals that were good.
I thought about giving a Gilligan Award to Tamara for egging on the resurrection, but it's not like she actually caused anything.
What did we learn? Survival Tips:
1) Don't try to resuscitate a mass murderer.
2) Don't party at the morgue.
3) Don't have sex next to a corpse.