“I like to get laid on Friday nights, sorta leaves the rest of the weekend open... Jesus I love Friday’s!”
Opening scene: Inside a church, Father Jonas is asking a statue of Jesus to help him save all the sluts and whores.
Hamilton HigH 1957, (again): Another prom. Although it’s 1957, all the teens looks like it’s 1987. Brad and Lisa arrived with dates, but that doesn’t stop them from sneaking off together after Brad utters the famous line, “It’s not who you come with, it’s who you leave with.” They go to his car to get it on, but they are not alone. A hand holding a dagger bursts through the window, slashing Lisa’s throat. It’s Father Jonas. He stabs Brad then blows up the car. Apparently, the only way to save sluts and whores is to kill them.
St. Basil Seminary, still 1957: A group of priests find Father Jonas in the basement, on his knees, shirtless, and whipping himself. Father Jagermeister calls him an abomination. Jonas, bleeding at the hands like stigmata (I don’t know how to use that word. Like a stigmata?), grabs Father Jagermeister by the face and kisses him on the mouth. They put him in a car and take him away, as one does with an abomination.
St. George Church 1991: Jennifer is saying goodbye to Colin (Brock Simpson, the actor who has appeared in all four of these films, and not much else), who is on his way to Africa to recruit. She’s always wondered what could have been.
While saying goodbye to Father Jagermeister, Colin inquires about his final test so Jager leads him down to the basement for a sneak peak at ol’ Father Jonas. His final test is to succeed Father Jagermeister watching Father Jonas. So much for Africa. But no one must know about the existence of Jonas.
Sitting under a tree, eating a sandwich we meet the troublemaker, Megan, then her boyfriend, Mark. Next we meet the other troublemaker, Laura, who likes to fuck guys in their cars during lunchbreak. So far the boyfriends are the bitches in this film and the chicks are the rebels.
Colin is in the church listening to Jonas tapes (not the brothers) and loading syringes. They’ve basically kept Jonas in a drug-induced coma for the past 33 years. I gotta feeling Colin is gonna fuck this up. He decides to speak to Jonas (told ya), he wants to help him. He hears voices, Jonas? He calls Jennifer, but hangs up when she answers, the good ol’ days before cell phones. He goes back to Jonas’ cell, armed with a syringe. He opens the door and the stigmata begins. Jonas awakens and grabs him by the throat and throws him. When Colin wakes up, his mouth is bleeding, and Jonas is gone. He calls the Cardinal as directed, but Jonas strangles him to death before he can say anything useful.
Megan is staying the night at Laura’s and they are half-naked trying on clothes together. Megan is insecure about her weight so Laura puts her hands on her shoulders and tells her she’s perfect. Laura starts putting the moves on Megan, making her really uncomfortable. Megan tells her to stop so Laura laughs and tells her she read an article in a magazine called How To Tell If Your Best Friend Is Gay, which reveals Megan as the innocent one of the two.
The priests soon discover Colin’s colossal fuck up as well as his corpse. They take him up to his room to make it look like he hanged himself. In his journal he admits not giving the 9:30 injection.
Mark and Jeff pick up Laura and Megan for the prom then ditch the prom in their limo and head to an old summer home in the middle of nowhere. Along the way they cheers to Jamie Lee Curtis as a little not so discreet tribute to the original. Why is it snowing on prom night? The summer home was a monastery before Mark’s parents bought it. Coincidently, its the same place Father Jonas was found after he killed Brad and Jennifer and now he is on his way back. For some reason, the house has been robbed of all the electronics and appliances.
Mark and Jeff find the wine cellar and snag a bottle. They start with a 57’.
The girls need wood for the fireplace cuz they’re planning to make a meal so Laura goes outside alone to the shed while a POV watches. It’s Father Jonas lurking about. She manages to bring the wood inside without getting killed.
Megan is planning to lose her virginity tonight and the Cinemax soft-porn sax is already blaring. But first, they all sit at the table, drink wine, and play a little game. It’s not Truth or Dare, but it does involve telling their darkest secrets. The game gets derailed when Mark finds out Megan tells her priest everything, including whatever will happen tonight.
Megan grabs another bottle of wine while Laura and Jeff go upstairs to get it on. Mark scares Megan, then carries her to the couch, and he’ll be right back. The phone rings, and for some reason Megan answers it. It’s Father Jonas calling to tell her that she’s a cocksucker. He’s in the house. When Mark returns she tells him about the obscene phone call and he’s not even slightly bothered by the fact that she answered the phone even though they’re not even supposed to be there. And who pays that phone bill and why? And why were all the electronics and appliances taken except for the phone?
Father Jonas is everywhere. One minute he’s inside making prank phone calls, the next he’s outside watching Laura and Jeff fuck.
Laura takes a shower and is ready for round two, but it looks like Jeff passed out under the covers. She hears a struggle at the door, but the real trouble is inside the room. Jeff is on the other side of the door with his hands full of wine and wine glasses. Jonas is in the bed with her!
Downstairs, Mark is trying to get happening with Megan right next to a giant statue of Jesus, and not the Baby Jesus. Jeff interrupts because he’s locked out of the room. The three of them go upstairs and the door magically opens, but no sign of Laura. Jeff wonders if it was something he did.
The search begins. Mark goes down to the wine cellar alone and finds, blood? But then he finds something more intriguing, a false wall. He goes through, still calling Laura's name. Somehow he thinks Laura found the false wall, went through, then recreated it from the opposite side, but despite being so secretive, she will now respond to the sound of her name?
Jeff goes upstairs to the attic and inside is a blonde figure sitting in a rocking chair with its back to him. He gets closer. It’s not Laura, just a wig of her hair and underneath is Jonas. He grabs Jeff by the face and raises him up Darth Vader style till his feet are off the ground. He squeezes his head till he dies.
Then there were two. Mark and Megan look around some more and then decide to check the attic. The rocking chair is now empty, but there are a bunch of lit candles. Megan finds fresh Jeff blood, but Mark doesn’t wanna call the police cuz he’s not even supposed to be there and cops are utterly useless in horror movies. They go outside and two giant crucifixes ignite in flames with a body attached to each. The good news is, they can stop looking for Jeff and Laura.
They go back into the house and Megan tries to call the police while Mark looks for protection. He returns just as Father Jonas is about to get her. They separate again. Jonas goes after Mark, even though he has a gun. Megan follows the gunshots.
Mark is on the roof shooting down at Jonas so Jonas stabs his Spawn-like crucifix dagger upward through the ceiling entering Marks’s foot, which causes Mark to fall to his death, and Megan gets back down to Mark in about .05 seconds. I guess she really did love him. But he’s not dead, not till Jonas drops his dagger from the roof impaling his chest.
Then there was Megan. The virgin. The Final Girl, the way a Final Girl is supposed to be. She cut her foot so she’s leaving bloody footprints. She hides in the cupboard below the kitchen sink. When Jonas opens the cupboard doors she sprays him in the eyes with roach spray, which seems to hurt quite a bit for a guy who just jumped off a two-story roof like it was nothing not too long ago. She runs outside and finds the pistol then back inside cuz somehow she knows where the bullets are. She loads the gun, then the phone rings. She answers it, it’s the cops, but Jonas interrupts the call from the other line in the house.
She hears her name so she follows the voice ready to shoot. Trapped in the shed, she shoots Jonas in the chest. He falls, but comes back for one final scare where he starts lighting shit on fire. She grabs a piece of wood and overpowers him, escaping and then locking him in the burning shed.
An ambulance takes her away. Inside another ambulance is the Cardinal, saving Jonas...The End.
Afterthought: Why is this movie so grainy? And why was it so important to keep Jonas alive, yet not conscious? Whatever happened to Jennifer?
The Dumbass Award goes to Colin, for waking Jonas. I don’t know why they were keeping him alive, but all he had to do was follow basic directions and everything would have been fine.
The Badass Bitch Award goes to Megan, for taking out Jonas, and being such a good girl. She’s the one with the dark hair.
What did we learn? Survival Tips:
1) Don’t bail on your prom date!
2) Don’t fall in love with a priest!
3) Don’t split up when you’re searching for someone!