Megan Freels Johnston
Opening scene: Camera pans around a suburban neighborhood. It looks like it could take place in the 90’s and there’s a creepy ice cream man roaming around. Mary has just moved into her new house in this neighborhood. Her husband and two kids, the eldest from a previous relationship, are still in Seattle finishing up school. Her kids are 13 and 5. Mary is a writer and this is her hometown. She’s not a professional writer, she does “blog stuff.” Tch, what kind of loser writes a blog?
A creepy furniture delivery guy shows up. While bringing in the furniture, he walks in on her changing her clothes. Why was she changing from one tank-top into another? Granted, the one she changed into was less revealing, but put on a shirt! Jessica, the nosy neighbor, shows up with two friends, Christina and Katie, and invites her to Christina’s son’s graduation party.
Max is the kid graduating, who looks ever bit of 25. Mary runs into him and a Tracy in the driveway on her way into the party and decides to get high with them. Huh? After Mary goes into the party, Max’s dad calls him in for cake, but Tracy stays outside cuz she’s high. Tracy hears the ice cream truck, even though it’s gotta be at least 10 O’clock cuz it’s dark outside and it’s almost summer. She goes into the back of the ice cream truck to look at the flavors and gets her throat slashed. This film is called The Ice Cream Truck, although the truck is actually a van. The van drives away with Tracy’s corpse inside. Why do people think there are two r’s in sherbet? It’s sher-bit, not sher-bert!
Mary goes home. She pulls an old cigarette out of a drawer then goes outside to smoke. According to the contents of the drawer, she’s been living in this house for a long time. Who has a junk drawer before they’re even moved in? Lets unpack the “junk drawer” box first!
In the morning, Mary goes for a jog. She finds Tracy’s hairpin then has an awkward conversation with Max’s mom. Jessica and her friends are fucking weird.
The ice cream man actually kills someone with an ice cream scoop, then uses their bathroom cuz he doesn’t have one in his van and he had to go. Having blood all over your white uniform at night time is one thing, but during the day?
After doing Mary’s yard work, Max comes back over later for a little late night visit. He says he forgot to give her the weed earlier so she invites him in and they get high with only a little over a day until her family comes back, dun, dun, dun....
The next day, she puts on her old teenager clothes that she for some reason still has. That night, Max texts her to meet him at the park. She’s hesitant, but then takes off her wedding ring and puts on her makeup. She even wears Tracy’s hairpin, which is kinda creepy... She’s a teenager again!
On the way to the park, she is stalked by the ice cream man. He asks her and Max if they want some ice cream. He makes her a milkshake then leaves without even charging her. Score! She and Max get high and start making out. All she had to do was make it one more day without getting killed or cheating on her husband! They have sex in the park then hear weird noises. The ice cream man kills Max so Mary runs away and hides in the fucking ice cream van! When he gets in the van she hits him in the face with something and he goes down. He calls her a whore so she drills into his head with the milkshake maker? She walks away dripping in blood while the now warped ice cream truck music plays, even though there’s nothing actually wrong with the van.
The next day Mary’s family arrive and while saying hi in the driveway, Max and Tracy walk by. They’re alive. WTF? Mary and her family go inside, but through the kitchen window, you can see the furniture guy down by the curb smoking and staring inside. The end.
So I’m guessing most of the events in this film are actually just what Mary was writing and fantasizing about on her blank computer screen to help pass the time until her family arrived. Not really a horror movie because if you delete all of the kill scenes, it’s nothing more than a romance story about a woman who got knocked up too young and is now having a midlife crisis with fantasies about the cool kid in high school that she never got to hook up with at the time. I heard they are planning to make a sequel about the furniture guy: The Furniture Delivery Truck. Well, at least it’s actually a truck....
The Badass Bitch Award goes to Mary, but does it? Sure, she killed the ice cream man without hesitation, but he was just a figment of her imagination, which justifies such a quick ending and lack of any kind of character development of said ice cream man.
What did we learn? Survival Tips:
1) Don’t go into strange people’s vans.
2) If your doorbell rings and nobody is there, don’t investigate.
3) Don’t have unprotected sex.