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The Ice Cream Truck (2017)

Damien Ross

Megan Freels Johnston


Opening scene: Camera pans around a suburban neighborhood. It looks like it could take place in the 90’s and there’s a creepy ice cream man roaming around. Mary has just moved into her new house in this neighborhood. Her husband and two kids, the eldest from a previous relationship, are still in Seattle finishing up school. Her kids are 13 and 5. Mary is a writer and this is her hometown. She’s not a professional writer, she does “blog stuff.” Tch, what kind of loser writes a blog?

A creepy furniture delivery guy shows up. While bringing in the furniture, he walks in on her changing her clothes. Why was she changing from one tank-top into another? Granted, the one she changed into was less revealing, but put on a shirt! Jessica, the nosy neighbor, shows up with two friends, Christina and Katie, and invites her to Christina’s son’s graduation party.

Max is the kid graduating, who looks ever bit of 25. Mary runs into him and a Tracy in the driveway on her way into the party and decides to get high with them. Huh? After Mary goes into the party, Max’s dad calls him in for cake, but Tracy stays outside cuz she’s high. Tracy hears the ice cream truck, even though it’s gotta be at least 10 O’clock cuz it’s dark outside and it’s almost summer. She goes into the back of the ice cream truck to look at the flavors and gets her throat slashed. This film is called The Ice Cream Truck, although the truck is actually a van. The van drives away with Tracy’s corpse inside. Why do people think there are two r’s in sherbet? It’s sher-bit, not sher-bert!

Mary goes home. She pulls an old cigarette out of a drawer then goes outside to smoke. According to the contents of the drawer, she’s been living in this house for a long time. Who has a junk drawer before they’re even moved in? Lets unpack the “junk drawer” box first!

In the morning, Mary goes for a jog. She finds Tracy’s hairpin then has an awkward conversation with Max’s mom. Jessica and her friends are fucking weird.

The ice cream man actually kills someone with an ice cream scoop, then uses their bathroom cuz he doesn’t have one in his van and he had to go. Having blood all over your white uniform at night time is one thing, but during the day?

After doing Mary’s yard work, Max comes back over later for a little late night visit. He says he forgot to give her the weed earlier so she invites him in and they get high with only a little over a day until her family comes back, dun, dun, dun....

The next day, she puts on her old teenager clothes that she for some reason still has. That night, Max texts her to meet him at the park. She’s hesitant, but then takes off her wedding ring and puts on her makeup. She even wears Tracy’s hairpin, which is kinda creepy... She’s a teenager again!

On the way to the park, she is stalked by the ice cream man. He asks her and Max if they want some ice cream. He makes her a milkshake then leaves without even charging her. Score! She and Max get high and start making out. All she had to do was make it one more day without getting killed or cheating on her husband! They have sex in the park then hear weird noises. The ice cream man kills Max so Mary runs away and hides in the fucking ice cream van! When he gets in the van she hits him in the face with something and he goes down. He calls her a whore so she drills into his head with the milkshake maker? She walks away dripping in blood while the now warped ice cream truck music plays, even though there’s nothing actually wrong with the van.

The next day Mary’s family arrive and while saying hi in the driveway, Max and Tracy walk by. They’re alive. WTF? Mary and her family go inside, but through the kitchen window, you can see the furniture guy down by the curb smoking and staring inside. The end.

So I’m guessing most of the events in this film are actually just what Mary was writing and fantasizing about on her blank computer screen to help pass the time until her family arrived. Not really a horror movie because if you delete all of the kill scenes, it’s nothing more than a romance story about a woman who got knocked up too young and is now having a midlife crisis with fantasies about the cool kid in high school that she never got to hook up with at the time. I heard they are planning to make a sequel about the furniture guy: The Furniture Delivery Truck. Well, at least it’s actually a truck....

The Badass Bitch Award goes to Mary, but does it? Sure, she killed the ice cream man without hesitation, but he was just a figment of her imagination, which justifies such a quick ending and lack of any kind of character development of said ice cream man.

What did we learn? Survival Tips:

1) Don’t go into strange people’s vans.

2) If your doorbell rings and nobody is there, don’t investigate.

3) Don’t have unprotected sex.


Leatherface (2017)

Damien Ross

Alexandre Bustillo & Julien Maury

“Now you remember, bad people like him are trying to break our family apart.”


Texas 1955: It’s Jed Sawer’s birthday. His mom, dad, brother, and grandpa are all gathered around the infamous dinner table, along with a “guest” tied up at the end. For his birthday, Jed gets a chainsaw, along with instructions to kill the guest who is a pig thief. Jed can’t go through with it so Grandpa kills him with a sledgehammer.

Elsewhere, a young couple, Ted and Betty are driving down a country road and think they hit some kind of animal (Even though they never actually mention his last name in the film, I read that Ted is actually Ted Hardesty, making him the father of Sally and Franklin Hardesty from the original). Betty checks it out, but it’s actually just Jed dressed up as a cow. “Help me,” he says, then runs to a barn. She follows and meets her demise. She is Sheriff Hal Hartman’s daughter and he is pissed. Not even upset, just pissed. He takes Jed away from his family because he’s not safe at home. Every time there’s a crime, there seems to be a Sawyer around.

10 years later: Gorman House Youth Reformatory.

Dr. Lang welcomes the new orderly, Elizabeth, Lizzy. She decides to mingle with the patients where she meets Bud and Jackson. There is an altercation and Bud protects Lizzy. Bud is a big, silent, crazy-haired delinquent. Jackson looks and acts quite normal by comparison. Afterward, Lizzy goes into the women’s bathroom to get a hold of herself and meets Clarice, a patient trying to force a mouse down another girl’s throat.

Verna arrives planning to free her son, Jed. She has married into money and her last name is now Carson, but she needs a different court order to get the files that reveal the patient’s real names. They change the kid’s names when they enter the reformatory, like how the Army shaves your head right before Basic. I still laugh every time I see Lili Taylor (Verna) cuz she’s the chick from Say Anything who got dumped by her boyfriend, Joe, and sings all those cringe-inducing songs she wrote about him. Verna pretends to need to use the bathroom and sneaks off to find Jed, meanwhile Bud is busy getting shock-treatment while Lizzy watches.

Bud escapes, taking out two orderlies as Verna gets kicked out and now all the patients are on the loose. It seems all the patients happen to be crazy murderers. Bud goes to Dr. Lang’s office and bashes his face repeatedly into a window. Jackson saves Lizzy only to both wind up in the trunk of a car. Ike is at the wheel, Clarise is riding shotgun, and they pick up Bud. The plan is to go to Mexico.

Sheriff Hal Hartman is on the case. Why do all these sequels and prequels and remakes have to incorporate a Sheriff? The original didn’t have a Sheriff.

Clarise, Ike, Bud, Jackson, and Lizzy stop at a diner for lunch. When it comes time to pay Ike and Clarise instead go on a killing spree and rob the place. Bud takes a bullet and they leave a witness behind. They find what appears to be an abandoned trailer. Inside is a corpse so later that night Ike and Clarise decide to have sex on it. Bud later kills Ike.

In the morning, Jackson and Lizzy find Bud sleeping on Ike’s bloody corpse. The cops find Clarice. She makes a run for it and Hal shoots her in the leg. She makes a remark about his dead daughter and he shoots her in the face while the others watch in the distance. They continue their escape and Lizzy yells at a cop passing by. He stops. Bud attacks him and he shoots Bud in the head. Jackson flips out and kills the cop then he and Lizzy steal his car. Hal is after them gun blazing. He shoots Jackson in the face and now all male leads are dead? He shoots Lizzy and she crashes. It’s night time when she awakes in the barn where Betty died. Jackson is hanging. Apparently Jackson is actually Jed and he is still alive, although his face is horribly disfigured.

The Sawyer family rescue Jackson (Jed) and Verna sows his face back together. Lizzy and wounded Hal are held captive in the house. She unties him. The family catch them as they try to escape and Jed chainsaws Hal to death. Lizzy runs out of the house into the woods so Jed goes after her, chainsaw in hand, a throwback to the original. She steps into a bear trap and as he approaches she tries to bring out the good in him, but it is too late. He chops off her head. She becomes his first mask.

Okay, so this really didn’t even feel like a horror movie nor was it much of an origin story either. Bud fits the exact mold of Leatherface, despite not being the main character, but after a good 70 minutes of convincing us that Bud is Leatherface, this film pulls the unnecessary plot-twist: Bud dies, thus making him not Leatherface. Huh? Instead they pull the Darth Vader twist: Jackson is actually Leatherface and up until the last 15 minutes he was the most sane one in the film, despite living in a mental institution for most of his life. Lizzy plays the Padme part until turning into Luke trying to prove there is still good in him. Instead of losing a hand she loses her head. Somehow he was always a bullet to the face away from becoming pure evil?

The previous films led to an almost, yet maybe inadvertent, sympathy plea: While destined to become a killer, he was also the victim. The freak. This film takes that away. This film makes him cognizant of what he is doing. His actions become his choice. Like Vader, he is seduced by the darkside, but up until this film, it was a lack of free will. The chaos around him was normalized rather than a choice. It’s harder to sympathize with someone who chooses to be evil rather than a victim who doesn’t know right from wrong.

Also, there is no indication of cannibalism in this film, but come to think of it, cannibalism didn’t really occur until part 2, probably as an attempt to outdo the first film. And now that I think about it, the dad made chili out of human organs, but we never actually saw anyone in the family eat humans, it was just always assumed. Maybe food was just a way to dispose of the bodies? Granted, there was a strong implication that they were planning to eat Sally in the original.

The Badass Bitch Award goes to Lizzy. Even though she wasn’t much help, her heart was in the right place and she was the only character who turned out to not be a piece of shit.

What did we learn? Survival Tips:

1) Don’t follow a kid in a weird animal costume into a barn.

2) Don’t attack armed policemen, even if you’re white.

3) Watch out for bear traps!

*For reviews of the rest of the franchise, go to “T” and scroll around.

I Saw What You Did (1965)

Damien Ross

William Castle

“I saw what you did and I know who you are.”


What I liked about this film, first of all, was the title. I love a horror flick where the title roughly sums up the plot, like I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Secondly, it’s old enough that it doesn’t try to be an in your face horror movie. It’s kinda like how The Stooges made music before punk rock was a genre: There were no rules. They didn’t have to make music from a creative strait-jacket while wearing a punk rock uniform. They could go from psychedelic, to chaotic, to blues without being called sell-outs.

This film started off as a typical early 60’s movie and even had a cute 60’s ending. It was innocent until it wasn’t. It takes a page out of Rear Window, only this time the window is a telephone. Instead of the protagonists knowing the guilt of the murderer, it’s almost prophetic of social media and the masks murderers can wear today through surface facades.

Libby’s parents are going away overnight so she invites her friend Kit over, but Kit’s dad will only let her stay for dinner, which means 11:30. Even though Libby is a teenager, her parents hired a babysitter to watch her little sister Tess, but the babysitter got sick at the last minute.

Kit has never been to Libby’s house before. After a long tour of the house and estate, based on a prank by Tess, Libby and Kit decide to make prank phone calls. They begin by pretending to be random mistresses, which is how they find Steve. A woman named Judith answers the phone. Steve is in the shower. He is in a relationship with Judith who is planning to leave him because she is tired of his jealous accusations. When she goes into the bathroom to tell him he has a phone call, she finds the result of his jealous rage. When she confronts him, he kills her with a kitchen knife. When Steve leaves the bathroom, Amy from across the street is inside, and this is where it gets weird, Amy is his mistress that he was planning to run away with. Huh?

Even though the phone was left off the hook, the girls didn’t hear the ruckus over their own giggling.

Steve gets rid of Amy, but she watches as he puts a large trunk into the back of his car. He disposes of Judith’s body in the woods as the prank escalates from mistress to witness. Steve hides as he is interrupted by a girl looking for her dog while her boyfriend waits in the car. What kind of man sends his girl into the woods alone at night?

When Steve arrives home Amy is waiting for him. The phone rings and Steve answers, it’s Libby, again. He kicks Amy out, but she sneaks back in. Libby says her name is Suzette while Amy snoops around the house and into the bathroom, the scene of the crime. She knows something is up and she thinks he is having an affair with Suzette.

Meanwhile, Libby develops a crush on Steve and makes a plan to go to Steve’s house to see what he looks like, so the three of them head over. Libby gets out of the car and peeks through his window to get a look at him. Little does she know he is waiting for her. He sees her reflection through the mirror and knows she’s there. He arms himself once again with the kitchen knife.

Amy catches Libby, inadvertently saving her life. She scolds her and takes her back to her car. She takes something off the steering column. Is that where they kept the registration back then? She scares Libby off.

Amy knows Steve killed Judith and blackmails him into marrying her even though he was planning to anyway. Seeing as how killing Judith was a big part of his paranoia about Suzette’s involvement, this probably would have been the opportune moment to come clean about the whole Suzette situation, but instead, he kills her. Then again, maybe trying to make two women happy at once is enough to drive any man crazy.

Libby’s parent’s have been calling the house for the past few hours getting a busy signal or no response at all so they have the cops send a patrol car to check it out.

Meanwhile, Steve is on his way to Libby’s even though had he not killed Amy and told her what was going on, he would have known that Suzette was actually just a kid.

Kit’s dad picks her up. Tess is in bed and now Libby is all alone until morning.

Kit hears a news bulletin on the radio on the way home about the discovery of Judith’s body.

Libby let the dog out so Tess goes down to let it back in. Steve is at the door and having heard so much about Steve, Tess invites him in.

Libby apologizes and explains that it was all a joke. Seeing that Libby is just a kid, he gives her a lecture and the registration back. She’s off the hook, but he hears her phone ring on the way out the door so he spies on her through the kitchen window. She sees him in the window and dials 911, but he breaks in and rips the phone cord out of the wall before she can say anything.

After a short game of cat and mouse, Steve is waiting in the backseat of the car when Libby gets in. How’d he know she’d go there? Even if he heard her yell to Tess, there’s no way he could’ve gotten into the backseat in time. He grabs her by the throat and starts to choke her when a cop shoots him through the back windshield. This may be the only time in horror history that a cop actually saves the day. Usually the victims have it all worked out by the the time they arrive. Turns out, Kit told the whole story to her dad and he brought the cops over.

The Gilligan Award goes to Libby for making prank calls in the first place and then pursuing it.

What did we learn? Survival Tips:

1) Don’t make prank calls.

2) Don’t visit strange men in the middle of the night.

3) Don’t let strangers inside your house.


The Loved Ones (2009)

Damien Ross

Sean Byrne

"I'm gonna go to your house now and stab your mommy just like you did my Daddy. Then I'm gonna go find Holly and stab her in the heart just like you did to me."

Is it possible for a father to love his daughter too much? I think so.

Lola is an outcast and has a crush on Brent so she asks him to the End of the Year Dance, but Brent is already going with his girlfriend Holly. Maybe this is bad casting, but I thought Lola was a lot cuter than Holly, but it still works. I think movies are just too afraid to get ugly girls to play ugly girls.

Six months earlier, Brent killed his dad in a car accident when he was distracted by a bloody man walking down the road and crashed into a tree. Now he wears a razor blade around his neck and cuts himself. Holly is fine with this. He also gets high and rock climbs with no rope, but he draws the line at driving.

Lola's dad kidnaps Brent and he wakes up tied to a chair at a Texas Chainsaw Massacre-esque dinner party. Lola injects something into Brent's neck, but I don't know what it was. Drano? Wouldn't that have killed him?

Brent is tortured, but manages to escape, briefly, until they find him and capture him again, this time bolting his feet to the floor with steak knives.

Lola shares her scrapbook, showing victims of all ages indicating that she has been doing this all of her life. The last page before Brent is Timmy Valentine, who coincidentally escaped, which is what caused the car accident that killed Brent's dad. That was a nice tie in, but I think they overdid it with the flashback sequence. If you didn't catch that on your own it would've been a cool thing to catch on the second viewing.

Another coincidence, Timmy was the brother of Mia, who they keep alternating story lines with the entire movie, which was driving me crazy until I found out why. Now I know why they keep showing her and why she's all fucked up. Wait till she finds out about her dad!

I'm not really sure what the point of Bright Eyes was, except maybe foreshadowing, which this movie did a good job of covering its bases.

Lola and her dad like to drill holes into people's heads, then pour boiling water into their skulls to boil their brains. Bright Eyes had a little round scar on her head.

Bright Eyes' character didn't need to be in this movie, her only real significance would be to set up a prequel, and I wouldn't be mad if they made one, maybe even give Lola a sibling.

Holly suddenly has a revelation: Brent told her that Lola had invited him to the dance and she figures it out. Once again, flashback scenes were not necessary in this movie. Holly starts heading to Lola's about the same time Lola starts looking for Holly. They cross paths about the same time Brent is escaping from Lola's basement prison thing. He has to climb up a mountain of bones, which would've been bad enough without shoes, but he's also got knife holes in his feet.

He gets over his fear of driving, takes the dead cop's car, and catches up to Holly while accidentally hitting Lola, but Lola doesn't die. He runs her over her again, this time in reverse.

Let's look at the score: Lola only killed one person onscreen while Brent killed three. Three of the four people who died were dads. This is the most dads I've seen killed in a horror movie.

What did we learn? Survival Tips:

1) Keep your eyes on the road.

2) Don't wear headphones when you're alone in the woods.

3) Don't waste bullets.

4) Don' be a dad.

Lights Out(2016)

Damien Ross

David S. Sandberg

“There's no you without me.”

Sitting in a warehouse, taking time out from work, Paul skyped with his son on his laptop. His son let him know that mom was sick and the long-distance relationship of the laptop conversation led me to believe that Paul and his wife were no longer together. Within minutes after the call, Paul was dead, brutally killed by a monster in the dark.

I was surprised to learn of the creature in the dark within the first three minutes of this film. I expected more buildup, however, despite the early reveal, there was a certain amount of buildup as to who Paul was.

The next scene introduces of to a young couple, Rebecca and Bret. They have just gotten done having sex and she's ready to kick him out while he's ready for another go around, or at least stay the night. As she gives him the boot, he starts acting like a stereotypical chick: He knows they've been together 8 months (which is only weird because she hadn't even realized that), he's hurt that he can't stay the night, and he tries to leave his crap at her apartment as an attempt to move in or at least an excuse to come back. This is really only worth pointing out because if the genders were reversed and the guy was getting rid of the girl, he'd be considered an asshole. But, it's a girl doing it so the guy is just a weak bitch and she is an empowered chick. You go girl!

Next we meet Martin, Rebecca's little brother from a different dad. Rebecca's dad left when she was young. Also, we meet Sophie, the mom, and she talks to herself big time. The closer we look, the more it becomes obvious she's not talking to herself, she's talking to someone who isn't there, at least, as far as we can tell. When the lights go out as Martin goes to bed we see who she is talking to, and Martin doesn't get an ounce of sleep.

A social worker steps in because Martin is falling asleep in class. Little does she know that there's a monster in the house and it's mommy's friend. Rebecca picks Martin up from school then gets into a fight with her mom. After hearing Martin say the name Diana, Rebecca decides to let Martin stay at her house. Diana follows them to Rebecca's house. In the middle of the night, Rebecca hears a scraping sound outside her bedroom door. The next morning, under the rug she sees the name Diana scratched into the floor. This gives her a flashback to when she was a little girl and Diana used to terrorize her and now she is doing the same thing to her little brother.

CPS takes Martin back to his mom's so Rebecca goes over and snoops around. In the office, she finds an old picture of her mom and Diana together when they were little girls. They met at the mental ward. Rebecca finds a box of all of her mom's mental ward files. Her mom was always crazy! Diana had a rare skin disease that made her ultra-sensitive to light. Whenever Sophie would start to get better, Diana found a way to make her worse again so she wouldn't leave her. Eventually, Diana was killed during an experimental procedure.

So how did Sophie find two men to marry her, especially since the second one knew just how batshit she was? He was trying to find a cure, which is why Diana killed him.

Sophie is somehow the only link Diana has to this world. Diana was never her friend, she just used her. Sophie spends the evening with Martin and tells him all about her, but when Diana shows up he bails back to his sister's house.

Rebecca, Martin, and Bret go back to Sophie's to confront her about Diana. The three decide to stay the night. Sophie goes to bed while the others arm themselves with flashlights, candles, and they put duct tape over the light switches because if you can't duct it, fuckit.

Rebecca checks on Sophie and it sounds like Diana is in the room with her. Sophie surreptitiously passes her a note through the door, which reads, “I need you.” Rebecca's response is to literally do nothing! She puts the note in her pocket and goes to bed.

Rebecca wakes up and there is no power. She wakes Martin up and the two of them head to the basement where the fuse box is located. Not only does the fuse box not turn the power back on, but they also realize it was a trap as Diana locks them in the basement.

Bret gets attacked and bails, but he comes back with the cops. Two of them. The cops basically get killed right away proving that cops really are useless in horror movies. Bret is able to free Rebecca and Martin from the basement and now they have a gun.

Rebecca goes upstairs to save Sophie, but Diana is up there. Diana tells her that she killed her father then throws her off the upper-level down to lower-level, Omen style, but it doesn't really even phase her. Sophie comes out with a gun, I forget where she got the gun, did she have the gun the whole time or was it one of the cops gun? Oh well, doesn't really matter. Sophie realizes that the only way Diana can exist is through her, somehow, so in a Fight Club climax she shoots herself in the head.

Diana wasn't that creepy looking. It Mighta been better had she been a creepy little girl, especially since she was a little girl when she died, and evil little girls are scary in the dark. It kinda felt like they tried too hard to make her look like some kind of badass monster. I would have been more empathetic toward Sophie had Diana looked more like she did when she died rather than the Predator.

I read an article about this movie that described Sophie's monster as a metaphor for depression. I had thought of the mental illness angle as I watched it, but it almost seemed masked by the monster. Obviously, from the get-go there was something wrong with her. If you think about the darkness of depression, I kinda feel like a dick for rooting against her. You can see the ill effects it has on her family as it slowly pulls them apart until she eventually kills herself. What was up with the Mannequins?

Badass Bitch Award: Sophia Wells, for shooting herself in the head and getting rid of Diana for good. Let's face it, nobody else really did anything all that productive.

What did we learn? Survival Tips:

1) Meet your love interest's parents before getting too attached.

2) Take your medication.

3) Be leery of new friends who try to put you down whenever you start to feel good about yourself.

Last House On The Left (1972 & 2009)

Damien Ross

Last House On The Left (1972)

Wes Craven

"Yeah, but look Estelle. You can see her nipples as plain as day!"

Mari is going out to a concert with a friend. Along the way, even though on the radio they hear about some escaped local convicts, they meet a guy and decide it's a good idea to go with him to score some weed. Little do they know that he is the son of the escaped convicts. The girls are held hostage, then tortured, raped, and killed.

The convicts' car breaks down and they wind up at the parent's of the first girl and are invited to stay the night. Soon the parents figure out that these people have killed their daughter and decide to exact a little revenge.

This movie affected me more this viewing now that I have a daughter. The main flaw in this movie is the score. The goofy music lightens the mood and you kinda forget that you are watching a horror movie. Maybe that was the plan based on the subject matter and it was, after all, Wes Cravens' first movie and it was 1972, but it really detracted from the mood of the subject. I could see though that if you were trying to balance out something this hardcore, a cheezy score might be the way to go.

It was good to see ol' John Creese from the Cobra Kai, too bad he couldn't show up in time to do anything useful.

The Badass Bitch Award goes to Estelle for biting the convict’s dick off and making it look like it took some effort. I love a good castration scene. This makes her quite possibly the baddest bitch of all time. Is biting a man's penis off considered cheating?

What did we learn? Survival tips:

1) Don't try to score drugs from people you don't know.

2) Don't let strangers into your house.

3) If you hear about escaped convicts in your area on the news, think twice about buddying up to strangers.

4) Take some time out from your studies and learn how to fight. You need to be smart and tough.

5) Do not accept oral sex from the mother of the daughter you have just murdered.


Last House On The Left (2009)

Dennis Iliadis

"Hey, by the way, y'all did a bang up job on my brother. He is really fucking dead down there!"

A married couple and their 17 year old daughter head down to their lake house for a little vacation. Unbeknownst to them a criminal, Krug, has escaped with the help of his brother, Francis, and girlfriend, Sadie.

The daughter, Mary, borrows her parent's car and goes into town to see her old friend Paige where the two of them meet Justin, who coincidentally, is the son of Krug, and they agree to follow him to his motel to score some drugs. That's when the trouble begins as Krug, Francis, and Sadie arrive unexpectedly.

Now that the girls have seen their faces they can't just let them go even though Mary and Paige haven't actually seen the front page of the newspaper so they have no idea that Krug is an escaped criminal, but they take them for a little ride in Mary's parents car anyway. Wouldn't you know it, they crash the car and are stuck in the woods where they kill Paige and rape Mary. Personally, I would've rather raped Paige, but that's just me.

Mary manages to escape by jumping into the lake and swimming away, but takes a bullet in the process. The four of them assume Mary is dead or at least will die soon so they look for shelter and manage to find Mary's lake house not knowing that the people who take them in are Mary's parents. Mary's parents are hospitable and put them up for the night in the guest house. It is then that Mary finally makes it home battered and half dead, but fortunately her father is a doctor.

Mary's mom finds Mary's necklace because Justin left it by his hot chocolate mug and she puts two and two together (BTW: Justin is not on team family): These are the people who raped and tried to murder her daughter.

One at a time they brutally kill each of them except for Justin who tries to help whenever the opportunity presents itself, which he's not very good at.

It seems most rape movies turn out to be revenge flicks. This had more of a horror element to it than the original, however I did miss the biting off of the dick. All in all, the remake is better.

The Badass Award goes to John Collingwood, for being a doctor, swinging a claw hammer into Francis's head after grinding his hand up in the garbage disposal, and paralyzing Krug, then cooking his head in the microwave. Don't mess with a dude's daughter!

The Gilligan Award goes to Justin, because if you think about it, this whole thing really is his fault. He wanted to score the girls drugs even though it didn't even seem like he was into either of them. Maybe he was just trying to impress his dad and earn respect, but he was the only one who knew the circumstances going in. If I were in on a plot to help my dad escape prison, I'd like to think I would put getting laid on the back burner for the day.

What did we learn? Survival Tips.

1) Don't buy drugs from people you don't know.

2) Don't hang out in motel rooms with strangers.

3) Don't rape people.

4) Don't mess with a dude's daughter

    Kill Theory (2009)

    Damien Ross

    Chris Moore

    A man gets released from the mental institute where he had been serving time after killing two of his friends in a rock climbing incident. He had the choice of dying with his friends or cutting the rope and letting them die while he lived. He chose life and like all patients leaving a mental institute, he decides to kill again to prove a point, or get revenge, or whatever.

    He stalks a group of college friends for a month, somehow knowing that they will eventually go on a vacation weekend to a lake house in the middle of nowhere. They get drunk and after they pass out he kills the last one still awake, throws her back into the house through the window with a message carved into her stomach: TV. From those two letters alone, they figure out that they must play the video he has made. In the video, he instructs that they need to kill each other because only one lone survivor will be allowed to leave the house. If there is more than one, they all die. His kill theory is that anyone would kill their friends if it meant they could live. It's kind of like Saw meets Joy Ride and just like I don't know how the killer knew about the secluded house at the lake, it also never explained why he picked them. I guess it doesn't matter. If it hadn't been them, it would have just been someone else.

    Although this cast of characters are a little smarter than your usual group in a slasher flick, they balance it out with a douchiness that has you rooting against them in no time at all.

    Amber gets the Badass Bitch Award and Brent gets the honorable mention for being the asshole who gets things done, like Ryan Phillippe in I Know What You Did Last Summer. This movie was a good enough concept, the holes were just a little too big to make it believable.

    What did we learn? Survival tips:

    1) Don't hang out in places that don't get cell phone reception. No WIFI is one thing, but no phone? You're asking for trouble.

    2) Don't cheat on crazy girls.

    3) Don't hang out with jackasses. This is probably the most important rule because in almost every slasher movie, bad things are always happening to jackasses and the people around them.

    Joy Ride (Trilogy)

    Damien Ross

    Joy Ride (2001)

    John Dahl

    "I'm not going anywhere until somebody tells me why I should be afraid of a radio."

    Venna has just broken up with her boyfriend. Lewis has always had a crush on her, so instead of flying home to Jersey as planned, he decides to refund his ticket, buy a car, swing by, and pick her up along the way. She lives in Denver, meanwhile his loser brother needs bailed out of jail in Salt Lake City.

    Lewis picks up his brother, Fuller, and on the way to Denver they stop to have the car checked out where Fuller for some reason has a CB installed. They drive down the highway and Fuller tries to have a little fun. He makes Lewis pretend to be a girl named Candy Cane and they send a message over the airwaves. This is how they meet Rusty Nail.

    After honeydickin Rusty for awhile, they eventually lose the signal until that night as they check into a motel. Rusty Nail's voice comes back as Fuller is inside the office trying to get a room. While checking in, Fuller has a minor altercation with the asshole checking in before him. When he gets back to the car Lewis is on the CB and they arrange for Rusty Nail to come meet Candy Cane in room 17, which is actually the asshole's room next door. This is where the trouble begins.

    Lewis and Fuller are in their room when they hear Rusty Nail arrive. It's all fun and games until the prank materializes because Asshole was a pretty big irate dude and who knows what Rusty Nail looks like? They hear sounds of a struggle and begin to worry. Here's a tip: If it's dark out, turn out the lights in your room if you're gonna peek through the blinds and don't want to be seen.

    When the situation gets a little too hairy, they call the manager's desk to report the commotion. He says he'll look into it and they hear the phone ring next door through the wall. They hear a voice answer and assure that everything is okay. They don't know if it's Rusty Nail's voice or Asshole's, but when their phone rings again, they know that whoever is in the room next door can hear it. A few minutes later, Rusty's truck drives away.

    In the morning, cops are everywhere and Lewis and Fuller are suspects. They play dumb, then are surprised that Asshole was the victim (even though they watched Rusty drive away). Eventually, after lies and surprises, they admit to the prank and what really happened so the cops take them to the hospital to see what happened to Asshole, who's lower jaw had been ripped clean off.

    At nightfall, Rusty catches back up with them on the CB. They try to explain everything, but Rusty wants an apology. Fuller tells him off not realizing that ol' Rusty is right behind them. He chases them until smashing their car and trapping them. When Fuller finally does apologize, Rusty somehow forgives them and leaves.

    They get the car fixed, and like a couple of assholes, when they arrive at Venna's, they decide not to fill her in on the Rusty Nail incident. Why lay the cards on the table and let her decide her involvement? But how can you blame Lewis? She's wearing a tank top and apparently it's cold out even though it's a sunny day if ya know what I mean. They scoop her up, but not before her friend and future roommate, Charlotte, pulls up and says her goodbyes.

    They drive till nightfall, check into a motel, and hit the local bar where they run into trouble with the local assholes. They go back to the motel, Venna has her own room. Lewis is passed out so like an asshole, Fuller heads on down to Venna's room to try and get some. He convinces her to let him in and they hang out. The phone in Lewis's room rings and wakes him up. It's Rusty Nail, apparently he's been watching them. Lewis runs to Venna's room, and sadly, despite the fact that their lives are in danger, he's more concerned that Venna and Fuller might be fucking. And guess what? Rusty's got Charlotte. Why he couldn't have just had his way with Charlotte and called it a win, I don't know, but he wanted to play cat and mouse.

    I like that they leave Rusty Nail's appearance up to your imagination for the most part. He is always present throughout the movie, unseen lurking about (in his tractor trailer).

    I didn't realize JJ Abrams co-wrote this movie, probably because I didn't know who he was the first time I saw it and there was no time-travel involved. I love a good road movie, I just wish people would watch their gas gauge a little more carefully. The ending would have been better if Venna would have slapped the shit out of Lewis and told him off for putting her and Charlotte's life in danger.

    The Gilligan Award goes to Fuller, because he's the one who bought the damn CB in the first place. He invented Candy Cane and just kept escalating things and then instead of apologizing to make things better kept running his mouth to make things worse.

    What did we learn? Survival Tips:

    1) Don't prank people, not even on a CB.
    2) When a psycho asks you to apologize, just apologize.
    3) After narrowly escaping a killer, maybe don't follow through with your plans to pick up your love interest and get her involved, especially if you don't plan on filling her in on the situation.
    4) Don't cockblock serial killers.

    5) If there are three or less people in your group and you know someone is after you, everyone needs to check into the same motel room.

    Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead (2008)

    Louis Morneau

    "Your titties are too small anyways! I like them super mongo jugs! Yeah, you heard me! Circus boobs!"

    This film opens in a way that is not uncommon in horror movie sequels: An unnecessary murder scene that reminds the viewer what a badass the villain is. It also proves without a doubt that Rusty Nail is not interested in sex. He never actually cared about Candy Cane in the original, she was just an excuse to kill. He didn't take advantage of Charlotte, and now he has a willing prostitute who instead of fucking, which would have made for a short movie, he kills.

    The characters in this chapter are all exaggerations of the originals. Bobby is basically a jock-type, like Lewis. Melissa is Venna, the love interest, only in this case she's the fiancée, and they are on their way to Vegas. Instead of stopping by a jail to bail out a brother, they stop by a gas station and pick up Melissa's sister Kayla's "love" interest, Nik, who is a way over-exaggerated version of Fuller. And technically, there were four characters, two guys and two girls, in the first as well.

    At Nik's behest they take back roads and of course their car breaks down. They get out and walk until they come upon a house, coincidentally, Rusty Nail's house. Nobody is home so they break in and basically steal his car, but they promise to return with money. For some reason his car, a 1971 Chevy Chevelle has a CB in it. Apparently, Rusty Nail is obsessed with CB's whether driving for work or for leisure.
    They drive to a truck stop for lunch. Bobby goes to the bathroom and is gone awhile. Melissa gets a phone call. Rusty Nail. Somehow, in broad daylight, in a full restaurant, Rusty has managed to kidnap an athletic, muscular, grown man. On the way into the restaurant, unbeknownst to Kayla, she gave him the finger in the parking lot and now he wants her finger for realz in exchange for Bobby's freedom. They have three hours to deliver.

    Luckily, there is a mortuary nearby so Kayla goes in and chops off a finger. They go to the meeting spot where Melissa is instructed to do a little striptease. While she strips, Nik and Kayla sneak over to Rusty's truck. When Melissa gets to the truck and the door opens, it's not even Rusty! Rusty knows that Kayla didn't chop off her finger so while all of this is going on, he somehow sneaks undetected to the Chevelle and puts one of Bobby's fingers in the glove box, engagement ring and all.

    The three of them get back into the Chevelle and get their next mission: Go to a truck stop and score some meth, but there's a catch, Nik has to do it, in drag. This is where we see Nik's true colors. MR 6,000 followers on MySpace, with long hair, tattoos, and lip rings, knows he'll get killed if he infiltrates not just a truck stop, but the Lallapalooza of trucks stops. Melissa has to put a scalpel to his throat to convince him, which is when he turns into that fake-assed goth dude from Dead Man on Campus. His tattoos are fake. So he goes in and after not scoring, Rusty Nail has abducted yet another grown man.
    Now we're down to the sisters and they're in a high speed chase with ol' Rusty. As sporty as the Chevelle is, still it cannot outrun the tractor trailer. Rusty rear ends them, causing the Chevelle to flip over, trapping the girls inside. Rusty revs the engine, indicating that he is ready to finish them off. Melissa frees herself, but Kayla is trapped. They say their goodbyes and Rusty floors his semi right through the Chevelle, destroying it, and not realizing that Melissa has escaped.

    Rusty goes back home for a little torture session with Nik and Bobby. They roll the dice and the loser is inflicted with damage depicted on Rusty's wall. Nik loses and although I had been rooting against him for almost an hour and a half, I still felt kinda bad to see him go.

    Rusty hangs Bobby inside his trailer, revealing that there is no cargo inside. Would one of these movies please explain Rusty to me? Is he employed, or does he just enjoy driving an empty tractor trailer around because he loves the trucker life?

    In the original, he thought he was gonna get laid, found out he was the butt of a joke, got embarrassed, then sought revenge. Along the path to getting revenge, he kidnapped Charlotte and didn't even make a move on her. In the opening scene of this movie, he had a prostitute in his cab and once again didn't make a move. Then after finding out his house has been broken into, even though there was a note stating that they would return with his car and money for damages, he still seeks revenge. The real confusion comes when as he is seeking revenge for his stolen car, he deliberately destroys the car in the process! His house seemed abandoned, all the food had long since expired, meanwhile he just drives an empty truck around in circles looking for a reason to seek revenge on people for basically no reason considering he has no desire for the object he seeks revenge for! And where does he keep getting these fucking trucks? Is he supernatural? I hope they make a few more movies that at some point address these issues because I do enjoy them.

    The Badass Bitch Award goes to Melissa for her devotion to her man. She never gave up. She exposed Nik for being the pussy he was (with a scalpel), she returned for Bobby and beat down Rusty with a shovel (although she didn't finish him), but she did eventually ghost ride his truck off a cliff with him on top. Somehow he lived.

    What did we learn? Survival Tips:

    1) Put oil in your car once in awhile.

    2) Don't hook up with people you meet online
    3) Don't break into people's houses.

    4) Don't steal cars.
    5) Check the wallet for money before you kick it over the cliff.

    Joy Ride 3: Roadkill (2014)

    Declan O'Brien

    "You're halfway to the hospital now Jewels."

    We once again have an opening scene that has nothing to do with the rest of the film other than to remind us that the villain is a crazy badass.

    In the middle of fucking, two tweakers realize they are fresh out of meth so they patch a call over the CB and come across Rusty Nail. Spoiler alert: This leads to their demise.

    A group of six, the dynamic is still two girls, but now we're up to four guys and they're on their way to Canada for a race. They have two vehicles, a blazer, which is pulling the badass race car on a flatbed and another race car is the other vehicle.

    They stop by a truck stop to eat and while eating try to decide the quickest route to Canada, which appears to be Route 17. But they are warned not to go that way, "That's Slaughter Alley," by a local at the diner. He seemed slightly bothered at first, but the longer he talked to them, the more it appeared that he may in fact be batshit crazy.

    They hit the highway and Jordan tries out his new ride and decides it would be cute to cut off a tractor trailer. This is how they meet Rusty Nail.

    Rusty is all over this movie, not nearly as enigmatic as in the previous two, but this time he brings with him a new weapon: Puns. For some reason he has a cheesy little pun for every kill. He's also got a new truck and it's faster than ever.

    This was the worst in the Joy Ride series. Instead of a mellow cast and one over the top guy you couldn't stand, this had six characters you didn't give a shit about, except maybe Alisa, but her life was never really in danger. The more we saw Rusty Nail, the less scary he was. After only two movies, this was the only plot line they could come up with for a road trip: Race cars?

    A horror movie is only scary if I can put myself in the situation or at least identify with the characters, but with this installment, I absolutely couldn't. There were four male characters and they couldn't put Rusty in danger at least once? Jason died at the end of every movie!

    When a cop actually did show up at the end, he had no idea who Rusty Nail was? Sorry, I love the Joy Rides, and I do hope they make more, but this one was tough.

    What did we learn? Survival Tips:

    1) Wait till the killer knocks before you open the door.
    2) When a crazy local warns you not to do something, don't do it.
    3) Never split up.

    Jessabelle (2014)

    Damien Ross

    Kevin Greutert

    Jessie is a 24 year old girl who is getting ready to move into a new place with her boyfriend, but along the way, they are struck by a semi truck. I'm not sure why the semi was driving so fast in a residential area or why it was there at all, but now her boyfriend is dead and she is somehow paralyzed, but not permanently.

    She moves in with her dad who she has not seen since she was a little girl. Her mom died when she was a baby so her dad shipped her off to her aunt. Why she didn't move back to her aunt's at this point I'm not sure because her dad was a total dick and this whole movie could have been avoided.

    Jessie is staying in the bedroom downstairs that her mother stayed while she was dying and also in a wheelchair. Under the bed she finds a box of VHS tapes from 1987-88. The videos were made by her mom for her to receive on her 18th birthday, which she obviously didn't.

    For some reason, on the tape, her mom starts playing with tarot cards and coming up with terrible readings. Instead of erasing the tape and starting over, her mother keeps making these horrific tapes that seem to be releasing demons into the house. When her dad catches her watching the tapes, he breaks one of the tapes then rolls her wheelchair into the lake. What an asshole.

    Jessie begins to have vivid nightmares about a charred black man and twin sister, kind of. Her dad catches her watching the tapes again and again takes them away, this time he tries to burn them, which results in him getting trapped in the shed by the spirits and burning to death. It seems he knew something about the spirits, but it is never really disclosed, so him overreacting to the tapes is just kinda weird. The most we could get out of him was that it wasn't really her mom on the tapes because the tumors had taken over her brain by that point. Is it really a good idea to follow through with a pregnancy if you're dying of cancer and taking treatment?

    Jessie hooks up with her old prom date Preston who hasn't left the town. Preston obviously still carries a torch for her despite the fact that he is married. He watches the tapes with her and despite the fact that he is kind of a goon, he is still the level-headed one who points out the fact that the majority of what Jessie's mom predicts is wrong.

    The two sail out to a nearby island where Jessie saw lights the previous night (during the day, which was a surprise in a film that uses a lot of tricks to take your mind off the lame story line). They find a little tombstone that reads, "Jessabelle" and shares her birthday. They dig up a baby skeleton and take it to the police.

    To wrap up, the ghost of her mom and the charred black guy come to life and spill the beans on the whole thing: Jessie's mom was having an affair with the charred black guy, Moses. When baby Jessabelle was born she was half black, which explains the visions. One day, her father got fed up and killed baby Jessabelle. To cover his tracks, he and his wife adopted Jessie and acted like nothing ever happened. Oh, and Jessie's dad killed Moses too, he lit him on fire. As they're telling her this, they are rolling her off the dock into the lake. Oh, I forgot to mention that Jessie's dad felt bad about the wheelchair in the lake thing so he gave her her mom's old one, who wasn't really her mom.

    Preston arrived with the police in time to watch her roll into the lake (They couldn't see her mom rolling her down). He jumps into the lake in time to save her, but not before the ghost of the original Jessabelle could take over her body. We as viewers don't realize this though, not until right after Preston is carrying her into the house, setting it up for a sequel as the cop asks, "Everything okay Jessie?" To which Jessie responds, "It's Jessabelle". The end.

    What kind of lame ghost waits 24 years to take over the body of someone who can't even walk? There are a lot of questions in this movie, like mainly the dad. He was such a stud to land her hot mom, but really nothing justified why she would have been with him in the first place. And if he was so adamantly against her watching the tapes, why didn't he throw them out years ago? Why didn't he move after all this went down? Instead, he slid a cabinet in front of his wife's bedroom door and went on with his mundane life. All in all, what a loser he turned out to be.

    This movie did have a creepy feeling of isolation, especially considering the helplessness of the wheelchair. For about the first half it was kinda spooky, but after awhile it felt like they used too many tricks to create an intricate story line that never really paid off.

    What did we learn? Survival tips:

    1) Look both ways before crossing an intersection.

    2) Destroy incriminating tapes.

    3) If you're gonna adopt a kid, commit to it, don't be a dick.

    Jaws (1975)

    Damien Ross

    Steven Spielberg

    "Wanna get drunk and fool around?"

    I'll admit it, this is only the second time I've ever watched this movie. Despite being born in 1976 with a horror movie loving mom, I didn't grow up watching Jaws.

    Watching it now, it seems like a small scale version of when you mention certain conspiracy theories to people and they respond by saying, "No, the government wouldn't put all of those lives in danger for blah, blah, blah." Here you have a shark attack where a young girl is killed so the police chief, Brody wants to shut down the beach. The Mayor interferes and says he can't shut the beach down because this is the busy season and that would fuck up the local economy. The next week, a kid gets killed, the word of the previous attack gets leaked, and Brody takes the rap.

    They decide that if they can kill the shark by the 4th of July, they should be okay for summer profits so they put out a $3,000 bounty on the shark's head. I didn't realize it at the time, but Hatchet 2 reenacts this exact scene to kill Victor Crowley.

    They recruit Hooper, the shark a-fishy-anado (I couldn't resist), and Quint, to accompany Brody, who is afraid of the water, to go on this brave expedition. It cracked me up right before Jaws killed the second victim how Brody yelled for everybody to get out of the water while he stayed as far away as possible.
    It seems to me, this whole movie could have been avoided had they just kept the beach open, but not allowed swimming. I think the spectacle of a shark would have made for a bigger tourist attraction than just a place to swim.

    The three men sail along looking for Jaws trying multiple times to kill him. The night they get drunk together and compare scars reminded me of Lethal Weapon 3 when Mel Gibson and Rene Russo first hooked up.

    Unlike a lot of 70's horror films, this one started with a kill scene right off the bat. Speaking of 70's horror, is it a rule that if you're in a hospital you have to light a cigarette?

    Despite the awesome Jaws theme, this still doesn't feel like a horror movie to me, at least not until the end, and maybe that's what's good about it. The effects are pretty damn good considering how old this is and it's in the water. Hooper and Brody were like little mice while the cat swiped at their hole. Yeah, that would suck, being on a boat that's slowly and deliberately being destroyed in the middle of nowhere while an angry shark stalks you.

    What did we learn? Survival Tips:

    1) Don't swim in the ocean, especially at night.

    2) Close the beach if you have a shark problem.

    3) Don't submerge yourself into the ocean in a rickety-assed cage.

    It Follows (2014)

    Damien Ross

    David Robert Mitchell

    "He's probably taking a shit right now."

    One confusing thing about this movie is that it starts out seemingly present day, but other than the cars and cell phone, it could have taken place anytime in the last 35 years.

    Annie runs out of her house in sleepwear, a tank-top, shorts, and high heels. She is running, but as the viewer, you don't know why or what from. She drives to the beach, talks to her dad on her cell and tells him she loves him, then waits for death, which horribly comes.

    In the next scene we meet, Kelly, Paul, and Yara. They are watching TV, a b/w tube television. Nothing in this film pointed out that we were going back in time, but the technology is and so are the cars, yet somehow, Yara has an E-reader?

    Next we meet Kelly's sister, Jay, who is going out on a date with Hugh. She and Hugh go to a movie and at the theater they play a game. The game is to pick someone in the theater that you would rather be and see if the other person can guess who it is. Hugh guesses a woman in a yellow dress, but Jay doesn't see her so Hugh abruptly suggests they leave.

    They have sex in his car and then he chloroforms her. He puts her in a wheelchair and wheels her to a parking garage. When she comes to, he directs her to a creepy naked lady coming after them to make sure she can see her too, then explains the ground rules of the movie to her: There's a supernatural force that is spread through sex, an STD literally from hell. Once you have it you have to have sex with someone else to get rid of it, but if that person dies, it's back on you. It can take on many forms, but there is only one of it. Sleep with somebody as soon as you can to pass it along. It is slow, but it will catch you eventually.

    Hugh then drops her off in the street in front of her house where her sister, Yara, and Paul are hanging out, which is another throwback. I don't think kids really hang out outside past midnight anymore, especially not sober. With online gaming, social media, and cell phones you can stay inside your house alone, isolated, but with plenty of company.

    The next day in class, Jay sees it out the window, an old lady slowly approaching as if on a mission. She now knows without a doubt that this is real. Hugh is long gone, although if I were Hugh I would think it in my best interest to help Jay out as much as possible before it's back on my ass.

    They go to Hugh's house and figure out where he went to school and they track down Hugh who's actual name is Jeff. They talk and it's actually pretty simple considering the implications. Jeff can still see it. He got it from a one-night stand with a girl he met at a bar. How old is Jeff?

    At this point, Greg, the neighbor is helping them out too. He has a past with Jay, which creates tension cuz ol' Paul has always had a crush on Jay.

    Other people can't see it, but they can hurt it or at least interfere with it. Bullets slow it down.

    Greg fucks Jay at the hospital, you know, to help her, but even though he believes and knows full well what's going on he is not paying attention when it shows up and kills him. Or maybe he didn't believe Jay and saw this as an opportunity to get laid.

    It can only walk, and since it can't walk through barricades I'd just sleep in my car and whenever it found me I'd just drive away.

    After Greg is gone, Paul decides to be the hero and do the right thing by angling for a fuck. Even under these circumstances she won't fuck him! That's probably a good thing because what other girl is gonna wanna fuck Paul? Ya know, I mean who is he gonna pass it onto?

    The more I write about this film the more I feel that if this movie had been done any other way, it probably wouldn't have worked. Not that the look of the film was a form of subterfuge in any way, but it would have been really easy to fuck this movie up. It's so close to being ridiculous, yet it still works maybe because it has such a nostalgic look and feel to it.

    They decide to lure it to the swimming pool where they plan to electrocute it, which is a bust. Eventually, Jay fucks Paul, which is probably a good move because Jay can still see it until Paul fucks someone else so they can work together. Then the movie ended, just like that, which bothered me at first.

    So if we're gonna analyze it, do we call the "Fuck Demon" a metaphor for one-night stands? Or maybe The Ghost of STD's Past? Wouldn't that be nice if you could get rid of STD's simply by having sex with someone else? There's no cure, it's more like musical chairs. Maybe this demon was karma materialized for the way people sometimes treat others after they've had sex with them, but that's what I like about this ending, no closure. It's open-ended and at first you're pissed cuz you've invested 90 minutes, but it leaves food for thought.

    The Badass Award goes to Paul, based on his confidence rather than what he actually did. I really believe he was being noble and that getting to fuck the girl of his dreams was just a perk.

    What did we learn? Survival Tips:

    1) Never go into a place that doesn't have more than one exit.

    2) Don't have sex with people you don't know very well.

    3) Don't act dead to the world when you know there might be something after you.


    Intruder (1989)

    Damien Ross

    Scott Spiegel

    "He and I got into it one night and I swear to god if my brother hadn't hit him in the head repeatedly with a blender, he would have killed me."

    The first time I watched this movie it was a rare find on Netflix, back when Netflix had a decent horror selection. Not to knock Netflix, but at one point, they had the first four Phantasm movies.

    I found it on YouTube in its entirety a couple weeks ago, but the quality sucked so I turned it off and ordered the DVD. I don't remember the Netflix version being good or bad, but the DVD isn't much better than the YouTube version. There is a Blu Ray option though.

    The DVD has Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell's names on the cover as if they're actually main characters. They're not. Sam and Ted are present, but if you're not looking you won't even notice Bruce.

    The film takes place inside the Walnut Lake Market. Craig, Jennifer's ex, has just gotten out of jail and is trying to win her back. The problem is, Craig is a complete asshole and the more he tries, the more obvious it is why she left him. That's the thing with 80's films, especially romcoms: There's usually a girl who plays victim to an asshole boyfriend, and instead of asking yourself why she was with him in the first place, you're tricked into rooting for her. There's also the white knight trying to rescue her. Girl goes for alpha, ends up with beta. They try to create a narrative where it is somehow romantic to steal another guy's girl. Whether it's the Karate Kid, or any John Hughes movie, men are taught that women are victims in need of saving, which is true sexism: Not holding women accountable for their own decisions. In this case, Dave is the white knight, but he doesn't get nearly the screen time as Ralph Macchio, Jon Cryer, or Anthony Michael Hall.

    To make matters worse, the night crew just learned that the owners are selling and they'll all be out of a job come the first of the month. This was kinda funny cuz all the employees are young, but act like this was gonna be their career. Not a college kid among em.

    Jennifer and Craig went out for about two months before she decided to break it off with him in some bar. He got so mad that he fought a bouncer and accidentally killed him, hence, his jail sentence.

    The real question I have is: What makes this movie so bad? Sure, it's the ideal movie to drink beers and watch with your buddies, but it has all the right elements so why doesn't it work?

    First, I'd have to blame the fight scenes, which there are a ridiculous amount of. Craig claims to have a gimp hand from all the love letters he wrote Jennifer, yet he never hesitates to throw down. This film might hold the record for most fistfights in a horror movie. The fight scenes are beyond terrible and look fake as fuck. The whole movie has such a weird look, if a teenager today watched it, I wonder if they would assume all 80's movies looked like this, and this was 89'!

    The cinematography is creative and every kill scene cuts to something similar, like a knife chopping through a watermelon or a sack of potatoes dropping to the floor. For some reason they cut to the moon in the sky about every ten minutes. We get it, it's night time, it's not a fuckin werewolf movie though. The score is actually pretty awesome though.

    Jennifer, who's name is actually Jennifer Ross, which is funny cuz that's my sister's name, finds all the corpses, Dave's (white knight) head last.

    The kill scenes are good and we get a plot-twist: Craig is the red herring for the actual murderer. He is the last survivor so Jennifer assumes he is the murderer, but it was Bill, the co-owner all along. He was just "crazy" about the store and snapped when it got sold. He beats Craig down with the other owner's severed head.

    Craig comes back and saves Jennifer by hacking up Bill with a meat cleaver in the phone booth outside. Does this mean Craig successfully won her back?

    The cops come and handcuff Craig and Jennifer as Bill comes to and frames them.

    Normally, I try to refrain from giving the villain an award so even though Bill beat Craig down with a human head then framed them for all the murders, the Badass Bitch Award still goes to Jennifer Ross for using Randy's corpse as a doorstop. And why did she keep getting nosebleeds anyway?

    Not even Bruce Campbell and the Raimi Brothers could save this movie, but I still loved it. It's the perfect movie for cheesy horror night.

    What did we learn? Survival Tips:

    1) Don't walk to your car alone if you know there's a psycho on the premises.

    2) Don't try to hook up with the girl the psycho is trying to win back.

    3) Never leave the killer's body unattended unless you know he is dead, and even then...

    I Spit On Your Grave (Franchise)

    Damien Ross

    I Spit On Your Grave (1978)

    Meir Zarchi

    "I can't cum, I can't cum... You're interrupting my concentration."

    Jennifer Hills is a writer. So far she has only published small pieces for magazines, but is now off to a lake house for the summer where she will write her first novel.

    When she gets into town she stops at the gas station where she meets Johnny and the gang. She gets gas then goes to the lake house.

    A little later, her groceries show up, delivered by Matthew Lucas, a half-retarded boy with glasses. He's the equivalent to Brendan from Making a Murderer, but goofier. Matthew likes Jennifer and later tells his friends, Johnny and the gang, about her.

    Jennifer takes her boat out on the lake, in a bikini, and is intercepted by Johnny's gang. They mess with her for awhile before getting her to the shore. That's when Johnny rapes her, then another guy, then they follow her back to her house where inside, another one rapes her, and then it's Matthew's turn, because after all, they did this all for him. Matthew tries, but can't perform in front of a group.

    She was wearing a bikini, but I wouldn't say she brought this upon herself. She was the new girl in a small town, attractive and successful, but let's face it, these guys were about a day away from fucking each other. All they needed was an excuse.

    The rape scenes were brutal, and the guys acted like douchebag teens, although they were at least late 20's. I kinda felt like I was like watching American Pie through a woman's eyes: Four loser guys trying to get laid by the end of the summer.

    Matthew clearly did not understand the gravity of the situation.

    They leave, and as Jennifer slowly crawls to the phone, it turns out they hadn't actually left, and she was raped and beaten again. Oh and I forgot to mention, they destroyed the manuscript she was working on. Now that's just mean. This might sound fucked up, but the raping was bad enough. These guys were just hillbilly animals and that's not a justification, but you could almost see in a horror movie universe how this is who they are, this is what they do. It's the town you avoid if you're a woman. If you watch The Hills Have Eyes you don't question the mutant's morality, that's just what they do and when zombies attack the living, you don't think of them as dicks because they bite, you just avoid zombies. But while the raping was going on and one of the attackers started reading her manuscript in a mock tone while destroying it page by page, that's when they truly seemed evil.

    Finally, they leave, but outside they give Matthew a knife and instructions to go back in and kill her. I mean after all, this whole thing was his fault, so it's his responsibility. He goes in, but can't bring himself to do it so he lies to his friends.

    Two weeks later, Jennifer is back on her feet and had only one thing on her mind: Revenge. She orders groceries and Matthew delivers them. When he arrives, she lures him outside and offers sex. He's down and starts fucking until she slips a noose around his neck and proceeds to hang him. Autoerotic asphyxiation before it was cool. I actually felt kinda bad for Matthew because out of everybody, he had no idea what was going on. Had he never met Johnny's gang he'd have never raped anybody in his life, but it illustrates how far gone and what Jennifer has become by this point.

    Next, she stalks Johnny. Johnny has a wife, and more importantly, Johnny has kids. I guess being a rapist is his secret life. She gets him into her car at gunpoint, and drives him back to her house. This is where you could make the argument that women are smarter than men because they don't have dicks. She lures him into the bathtub and he actually thinks things are fine... So they got off to a rough start.... She cuts off his dick and locks him in the bathroom to bleed to death. When that blood first starts squirting from under the water, you can almost feel it.

    She then kills the last two with an ax to the back and a boat motor to the face.

    This film flips the script on horror because for the first half, you have a group of guys attacking one victim instead of one killer attacking a group. After the rape scene, the script is flipped back to one killer attacking a group, and the entire movie takes place during the daytime. Is this a horror movie or just a fucked up movie? But as suggestive and anti-woman as this movie may seem from the cover to the multiple rapes, it actually was meant to be empowering, hence the original title, Day of the Woman.

    I first saw this film as a teen, my junior year, when I was officially embracing my love for horror. It didn't make me want to rape anybody, if anything, it made me respect women and warned of a woman's scorn. Now, I think of the new rape laws I've heard of, the clear consent laws that state that if a woman is drunk, she cannot consent therefore it is rape and a woman can yell rape based on a bad decision because she changed her mind after the fact. Watch this movie, then ask yourself if you were actually raped or not. Those laws are a travesty and belittling to real victims of actual violent life ruining crimes.

    The Badass Bitch Award goes to Jennifer Hills for getting her revenge and chopping off the main asshole's dick.

    No survival tips because I don't want to in anyway imply that she somehow brought this upon herself, because she didn't and everyone who died in this movie deserved it. If you need me to tell you that rape is not okay then you shouldn't be allowed to watch horror movies, or own a dick.

    I Spit On Your Grave (2010)

    Steven R.Monroe

    "You're too dumb to know how dumb you are!"

    Here's a movie you hope nobody catches you watching. If someone were to walk in at the wrong moment, it'd be really hard to explain yourself. Their opinion of you would shift so fast and they may never look at you the same afterward. Suddenly, you're the sick pervert. It makes you wonder who even volunteered to remake this movie? I know who wrote the screenplay, but since he used a pseudonym, I won't rat him out, not that it would be hard to find him if you Googled just a few keywords. I don't fault him for it, he's a horror fan who got an opportunity.

    It's easy to watch the first half of this film and assume the writer is a sick fuck, but I've read one of his books and don't think he is. I'm not easily offended, but there was a point where even I felt like turning this off, which made me question myself, because I never turned off the original. Maybe times have changed or tolerance has shifted or maybe it's because I was a teenager when I watched the original and now I'm a 40 year old with a four year old daughter as I watched the remake.

    Jennifer Hills is on her way to a cabin to work on her novel. She's greeted by locals at a gas station. By asking for directions, she inadvertently tells them where she is staying.

    She drinks white wine all day, but that night she switches to red and knocks her glass into her lap. For some reason she has to strip down to her bra and panties to wash the stain out of her shorts? Stanley, one of the locals, is creeping around outside filming her. His footage didn't play that much of a role in the movie, but it was an opportunity for the filmmaker to remind us that this does not take place in 1978. Times have changed. Rapists have cameras now. I hate how when people remake a movie they have to throw technology in your face. We get it, it's present day, we could tell by the car she was driving and the cell phone she dropped in the toilet.

    Jennifer dresses skimpier this time around. In the original she dressed normal, other than when she was out on the lake.

    It was kinda weird that she was there for at least a day before noticing that the plumbing was fucked up. She shoulda caught that within the first hour. The plumber that shows up is one of the locals, Matthew. I don't know the politically correct term to call him anymore, but he does have the same name as the half-wit from the original. In fact, most of the main characters do. He fixes the toilet and she gives him a kiss.

    The locals act like a group of depraved 13 year old boys, but they're actually in their mid-twenties. Johnny has something to prove and an exaggerated hatred for people who live in the city: Men from the city are gay, and women are stuck up bitches who secretly want to fuck hillbillies. Johnny is a man's man and women want to be dominated.

    Jennifer wakes up to noises and after investigating, the locals surface, but she manages to escape. I don't know what time she awoke, but it was still dark. By the time she escaped into the woods and found help, it was light out.

    Much like in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, we are introduced to a sheriff and just like in the TCM remake, the sheriff is in on it and takes her back to the scene of the crime.

    The lead up to the rape is much more belittling and cruel than the original. It was also kinda weird to make a trilogy out of a movie that didn't need to be remade in the first place.

    The locals decide they're gonna pop Matthew's cherry and while Matthew is raping her, the sheriff's daughter calls so he leaves the room. Unlike the original, Matthew cums this time! Then he gets up and pukes, displaying a sign of a conscience.

    The locals go outside, which to me seemed like the perfect opportunity for Jennifer to get to her car and get the fuck outta there. She shoulda gone back to where she came from and visited some real cops while Matthew was still warm inside her. What does she do instead? She follows the rapists outside so the sheriff rapes her (which was extra fucked up considering he just got off the phone with his daughter), and he's an "Ass Man."

    Afterwards, Jennifer escapes by jumping into the river.

    Sheriff goes back home to his daughter and wife, who by the way is pregnant. A weird insight to how fucked up he is is how his family greets him with open arms upon his arrival, "Daddy's home!" They're not held hostage living in fear because he's the sheriff of a small town with all the power, they simply have no idea. His wife probably doesn't even know he's an ass man. He's not just a man coming home after an affair, he's a rapist hugging his young daughter.

    A month passes and nobody has heard from Jennifer, but Stanley's rape tape is missing, until it shows up at Sheriff's house. Luckily Sheriff's wife has no way to play it. The locals think Matthew is behind it, or at least, they make him the scapegoat, but he's nowhere to be found.

    After being haunted by visions of Jennifer, Matthew is finally confronted by the real Jennifer. He apologizes, but it's not good enough. She puts a noose around his neck and drags him outside. Jennifer is really strong.

    While looking for Matthew, Andy and Stanley find Jennifer, and a bear trap, and a baseball bat. They wake up, one tied to a tree, the other above a bathtub. Stanley is caught in the bear trap outside and Jennifer sticks fish hooks in his eye lids then rubs fish on his face before waiting for the crows to come eat out his eyes, which looked pretty gross. Andy winds up in a bathtub full of lye from the garage or shed or wherever we saw it in the beginning of the film.

    Next is Johnny. After a whack to the head from a baseball bat he awakens to find himself hanging naked. Jennifer cuts off his dick with some serious looking gardening sheers and shoves it into his mouth. That takes care of the three guys who didn't rape her. The revenge in this film was more brutal while the rape was less brutal. Makes me wonder if they cut any scenes based on the the way she punished the attackers who didn't rape her. Are we missing some rape?

    Sheriff gets a call from his daughter. She tells him she is visiting with her new teacher and puts her on the phone. It's Mrs. Hills. Sheriff freaks out and races home, but Jennifer and his daughter are already gone. He runs back to his car and slides across the hood, which looked fuckin hilarious. Once in the car, he is clubbed in the back of the head from the backseat by Jennifer who is somehow the master of knocking people out with one swing.

    He awakens with a shotgun up his ass (cuz he's always been an ass man) and his hands are tied behind his back. Jennifer fucks him in his ass with his shotgun as we discover that Matthew is still alive, although unconscious, and lined up with the shotgun in Sheriff's ass. Did she take pity on Matthew? I always had slightly mixed feelings in the original because if Matthew is mentally challenged do we give him moral agency, especially knowing his friends clearly forced him to do it? If he killed a dog you might make excuses for him, but rape is pretty neck and neck with murder, and some consider rape even worse because the victim has to live with it.

    In this film there are only two rapists. I feel bad saying only two, but I can understand being less forgiving to Matthew this time around. When it's all five guys it's kinda like, "Fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you!"

    Before leaving, Jennifer wires the trigger of the shotgun in Sheriff's ass to Matthew's hand thus literally putting both their fates in Matthew's hand. When Mathew wakes up, before he knows what's going on, he kills them both.

    The Badass Bitch Award goes to Jennifer Hills for turning the tables and getting even with each of her attackers, joining the dick chopper club (again), and probably being the first woman to fuck a guy in the ass with a shotgun.

    There are no survival tips because I neither want to blame the victim nor give out rape tips.

    I Spit On Your Grave 2 (2013)

    Steven R. Monroe

    "He was pissing on her!"

    Katie is a waitress and aspiring model. She moved from Missouri to New York to try to get things going, but discovers that if she's going to get an agent she's gonna need a new portfolio, which is expensive.

    Katie makes an appointment with the Bulgarian brothers, Ivan, Georgy, and Nicolay. They're kinda creepy. For sure don't go to a place like this alone. During the shoot, Ivan decides he's gonna need some naked pictures of her as well to sell on the internet so she bails.

    That evening, Georgy shows up to Katie's apartment with a flash drive. I don't know how he knows where she lives, but apparently he wants to make things right. The flash drive contains all the photos from the shoot and the hard drive has been wiped, which is a lie. Georgy's getting a little obsessed. She gets rid of him.

    Katie wakes up in the middle of the night and Georgy is in her room watching her sleep. She grabs her taser gun, tases him, then makes a run for the door, but in the heat of the moment can't figure out the chain lock on her own front door. By the time she figures it out, Georgy has recovered. That didn't take long. How did Georgy get into her apartment? I'm sure after his visit earlier she woulda been a little paranoid right before bed and made sure to chain the door, rather than him chaining it once he got inside. That, and I'm also pretty sure she doesn't live on the first floor so he didn't come in through a window, he's just there.

    Katie's neighbor, Jayson, hears the commotion and busts in. Georgy stabs him repeatedly in the stomach. He then rapes Katie while Jayson helplessly watches.

    In the morning, his brothers show up. There's too much of a mess to simply clean up so it looks like they're gonna try to frame her. They get her fingerprints on the knife and luckily, Nicolay carries ketamine on him. They drug her and then they kidnap her anyway.

    Katie wakes up on a mattress in a basement while Nicolay is raping her. Georgy walks in and gets mad. He does have a thing for her despite the hell he's just trapped her in.

    They drug her again and she notices a window. When they leave, she makes herself puke up the ketamine and waits.

    Georgy comes back in a little while later with some clothing. After he dresses her, he turns his back and she whacks him in the head multiple times with a bucket then escapes.

    Out on the street, she runs into Detective Kiril and learns she is in Bulgaria. How long was she initially out? Best case scenario it takes about 10 hours to fly to Bulgaria.

    Kiril takes her to the station to get a statement and introduces her to Ana Patov, a rape counselor. Ana is the voice of sympathy as she takes Katie to get some new clothes and things then they arrive at a house. Turns out, Ana is in on it and Katie is back in the basement chained up again.

    Ana is the mother of the Bulgarian brothers so we got Rapist Family Robinson in the house as Valko, who I assumed was the dad shows up. Valko electrocutes and rapes her. He is easily the most brutal of the group. The old pro who's been doing this for a very long time.

    Afterward, Ivan beats and insults her. He tells her this is her own fault and had she just taken her clothes off back in New York none of this woulda happened.

    They dig huge hole in the basement, put her in a box, and bury her alive. At this point, I had to Google the synopsis because the filming was so dark I had no idea how she got from the box in the hole in the basement down into the sewer. Apparently, they dug too deep and got to close to the sewer. Wtf? So now she is free.

    She finds a church and raids it for supplies, which is where she meets Father Dimov, but she no longer trusts anyone. She goes back later and leaves the Bible open to the passage that reads, "Vengeance is mine," which coincidentally, is the name of the third installment. Father Dimov talks to Detective Kiril who is trying to locate her whereabouts and tells him she is clearly out for revenge.

    Katie captures Georgy and ties him up to the wall in the sewer. His IMDB pic should say "spoiler alert" on it. She slices him up pretty good then leaves him there.

    Next she finds Nicolay at a bar and drugs him. She follows him into the bathroom and as he doubles over to puke, she front kicks him in the face. She then proceeds to stick his head into the toilet, which reminds me that I hope I never need to use a public restroom if I visit another country because these toilets looked even worse than the one in Trainspotting.

    She captures Valko, who it turns out is not the dad, just a long time friend of the rapist family. She finds him at church of all places. She knocks his ass out and electrocutes him to death. I love it when they zoom in on people's crotches as they piss they're pants.

    She finds Ana, puts her in the box, then takes her to Georgy.

    Lastly is Ivan, who awakens on a table with his pants down and balls in a vice, which hands down has got to be the the worst way to wake up. For some reason, Ivan gets it the worst. After cutting off his nipple, she then crushes his balls in the vice even though he was the only one in the group who didn't rape her. I mean sure he beat her a little and talked shit, but it's Georgy's balls that should be in that vice. He's the one who started this whole thing with his weird little crush and inability to accept no for an answer.

    Detective Kiril bursts into the scene with his gun drawn, which distracts Katie long enough for Ivan and his lonely nipple and smashed balls, to start choking her. Then we hear a gunshot and Kiril is the Red Herring! All this time we were duped into thinking he was in on it because of the Ana situation at the beginning, then trying to get info outta of Father Dimov, but he was actually just doing his job. He apologized and let her go free.

    This movie was confusing while also a little too convenient. In the original, it actually made sense for her to be able to track down her assailants because it was a small town on the lake, she knew where everybody worked and hung out, not to mention it was a good three weeks before she executed her revenge. In this film, the very next day, in a country she'd never even been to before, she figured out their hangouts, church, and habits. And at some point, the family should have noticed the huge hole in the floor... I dunno, it tried I guess. I think it also missed the boat on the whole torture sub-genre. Had it come out ten years prior it may have gotten some traction.

    The Badass Bitch Award goes to Katie, not just for getting her revenge, but also for graphically crushing a dude's balls in a vice. I have never seen that before. I coulda done without her talking while she enacted her revenge, that shitty dialogue and bad delivery almost killed the moment.

    No survival tips, everyone who died deserved to die.

    I Spit On Your Grave 3: Vengeance Is Mine (2015)

    R.D. Braunstein

    "He should be anally violated with a metal pipe."

    Jennifer Hills is back, haunted by the events of the remake, she no longer trusts men. She feels like all men are out to rape her, mainly because all the men in this movie act like they're going to rape her.

    The film begins with her wrapped in a blanket talking to a psychiatrist. The session is used to recap the original a little, although there are flashbacks throughout the entire film. The flashbacks are not nearly as annoying as her violent outbursts that aren't really happening.

    Jennifer starts going to group counseling. She first meets Oscar, but why is there a man in rape group therapy? Because his daughter was raped, the guy walked, so she committed suicide. So why is there a man in rape group therapy? I don't know. That seems like a weird solution. It seems like the last thing he'd want to do is listen to rape talk once or twice a week. Was he too cheap to get his own therapy? And out of a room full of women who were actually raped, he was the only one to storm out of the room crying.

    This is where Jennifer meets Marla Finch. They have a cigarette together and suddenly I'm watching Fight Club. Remember Fight Club, Marla Singer and David Fincher? Judging by how quickly Marla empowered Jennifer I was convinced that they would wind up being the same person, especially since she had already changed her name to Angela.

    Marla and Jennifer become vigilantes avenging the women in their support group. A young girl in the group is being raped by her step-dad, Ron, so they go after him with a tire iron. At the next session, Cassie says her step-dad apologized and has since started acting different.

    Marla had to go to her ex-boyfriend's to get some of her stuff. She told Jennifer it's complicated and he has a restraining order against her. The next day she is dead. There goes my Fight Club theory.

    A cop, Detective McDylan, shows up at group to question people, then he and Jennifer go out for coffee. Suddenly she trusts men, and I begin to wonder if McDylan is the ex.

    Jennifer finds the ex. It's not McDylan and I'm 0 for 2 and wondering if this movie is deliberately trying to deceive me. It's only been a few days since killing his girlfriend and getting away with it, and he's ready to rape Jennifer so she does a combination of biting and cutting off his dick, and that's two in the books!

    Cassie's step-dad is back up to his old tricks so Jennifer pays him a visit. She lures him to an abandoned apartment wearing a schoolgirl uniform. Ron wasn't going to rape her, but he was DTF, until she spanked a metal pipe up his ass.

    Next she goes after the guy who got away with raping Oscar's daughter, but upon realizing that she is following him, he beats her ass and immediately decides to rape her until McDylan shows up and shoots him dead. McDylan assumes it was a wrong place wrong time situation.

    Detective Boyle puts two and two together noticing that all these murders are linked to the support group. She questions Jennifer and does research on the little girl in the picture on her necklace, Chastity Storch (Sheriff's daughter from the original). She figures out that Angela is really Jennifer Hills and that she is the missing link in the murders from the original. She seems ambivalent about putting her away. She seems on board with the initial murders, but not so much about this vigilante spree.

    Oscar shows up with his wrists slashed in time to confess to the murders and get Jennifer off the hook.

    Jennifer then goes out and tries to get raped by Chief, a character from earlier in the movie, but Detective McDylan shows up as she pulls out her knife. Shots are fired and then we're back at initial psychiatrist she's talked to throughout the movie. She takes off the blanket revealing her prison uniform she's been hiding all along. Apparently, she's been in this office the whole time relaying this story.

    For a finale, we get one last fake out scene where Jennifer gets attacked by three inmates, but she kills them all and the psychiatrist, but it didn't really happen.

    This movie wasn't that bad. It had an early 90's feel to it that I liked. It was nice that unlike the second one, it wasn't just another re-imagining of the original. Much like the rest of this remake trilogy, this film wasn't necessary, especially since we didn't get a happy ending for Jennifer. In the original we got to see her achieve a level of winning, but this ends with her losing, which I didn't like. Granted, it also woulda been weird if this had just been a drama where she meets a dude and starts a family.

    The Badass Bitch Award once again goes to Jennifer Hills for cuttin off dicks and shoving lead pipes up dat ass yo!

    The Innkeepers (2011)

    Damien Ross

    Ti West

    This movie had so much going for it going in. It was creepy, it had an interesting premise, likable characters, but after an hour and a half, it falls flat.

    It started out with a repertoire between Luke and Claire reminiscent of Dante and Randall in Clerks, then a gradual build up as I waited in suspense to see where the story was going, but nothing, it didn't go anywhere. I don't know who the guy upstairs who killed himself was, I don't know if Leann was really psychic, and most importantly, I don't really even know how Claire died or if she was really seeing ghosts or just hallucinating and had an asthma attack. All I really do know is that Luke turns out to be a fake, which explains his flip-flop attitude towards ghosts. Still I liked this movie.

    What did we learn? Survival tips:

    1) Stick together, why would you ever split up?

    2) Once again: Don't go down to the basement!

    3) Never skimp on the bread, you'll always regret it.

    4) People aren't always who they seem to be.