“When I find that bitch I’m gonna shag her into next week.”
This film opens with a group of friends: Allie, Sarah, Charlie, Michelle, Eric, and Jack. They get together at Placid Pines Cemetery to play a game called Run For Your Lives, which is basically just an adult version of hide and seek. Eric is it. He counts while the others run, but once he reaches 20, he is greeted by a madman wielding a knife between him and the gate. The madman runs away. It turns out to be a prank, the madman is actually another friend, Bobby, who proceeds to chase the others with said knife, which is fake, but Eric is not in on the joke and while running for his life, impales himself on a broken fence and dies. Party foul!
Five years later. Bobby is released after serving five years for manslaughter. Michelle drives him to meet up with the others at camp (this was actually supposed to be the third installment of the Bloody Murder trilogy, which I’ve never heard of or seen, nor did this film prompt me to go it check out), located right by the cemetery, the scene of the crime. It’s their attempt at closure.
Charlie immediately seems to have a problem with Bobby. Even though they were all in on the prank, somehow it is solely Bobby’s fault that Eric died that night. Michelle meets Peter Bishop, the groundskeeper, who she seems to make a little love-connection with despite being Bobby’s girl before he got locked up. Bobby’s getting all kinds of screwed. Jack arrives with his new girlfriend, Veronica.
Elsewhere, some guy is tied up in one of the cabins. He’s been tortured by a masked man with the smallest hatchet I’ve ever seen till the masked man finally kills him. Who the fuck was that guy?
Allie, Jack’s ex from five years ago (opening scene), sees him having hilarious bunk bed sex with Veronica through a window, which ends prematurely.
Michelle finds Bobby alone in a cabin and he’s being weird. Sarah runs away to beg for forgiveness so Michelle goes after her. Sarah looks for Eric’s grave. He was buried in the same cemetery he died in, but his grave is just a perfectly dug up hole. It looks exactly how graves look right before they lower the casket. Whoever dug him up is a pro.
Veronica hits the shower while the killer stalks her. She hears a noise and says all the classic cliche lines until finally face to face with the masked killer, but she’s not even the least bit startled. “Very funny,” she says, assuming it’s Jack. The killer pulls a shower curtain over her head and chokes her to death. Michelle and Sarah immediately come running because they heard screams even though there weren’t any screams.
The group gather back together wondering where Veronica is when Bobby walks in. Bobby is bitter about his friends leaving him to take the fall and spend the last five years locked up. The search for Veronica begins. Zoe hops out of a tree. Zoe is Sarah’s ex-girlfriend and we find out that Sarah is gay. Zoe threatens to kill them all, then leaves. Once she makes some distance, the killer drops down from a tree and slices her throat open. Why do most revenge flicks begin with the killer killing people who had nothing to do with the initial catalyst of the storyline?
Jack has a new prank because Jack is an asshole who’s totally out of touch with reality. If anything should've been learned from Eric’s death it's that Jack is a piece of shit who only cares about himself, and maybe quit playing pranks. Bobby dresses up in his original costume and pretends to kill Jack with a ridiculous amount of fake blood. Apparently, prison didn’t take Bobby’s sense of humor away and his bitterness was fake. They go back to camp and find that all of their cars have been tampered with. Missing batteries, slashed tires, and cut fuel lines. Okay, so maybe “tampered with” was a gentle euphemism. Also, there is no cell phone service so Bobby goes for help.
Jack and Allie go into a cabin and he almost gets her to have sex with him, but there’s a noise so she goes to check it out. When she returns, she finds Jack’s severed head. She runs? The question mark is because she was barely running, meanwhile the killer was hauling ass and slashes the back of her leg, then her throat. The others find Jack’s mutilated body.
Bobby gets stopped by Sheriff Pierce who handcuffs him and runs his name. Bobby still has his rubber knife and fake blood on his hands. He doesn’t bother to tell the sheriff that either are fake. Sheriff Pierce relentlessly brags about having not fired his gun since 1974, but believes Bobby killed the headless handless guy they found a week ago. Bobby has been at the camp the whole day after being released, but suddenly, now he’s been out for days? It is now daylight as Sheriff Pierce locks him up in a little Mayberry cell.
Peter and Michelle break into Charlie’s room. He has pictures of Sarah on his laptop. There’s writing on the pictures that reads, “Die! Die! Die!” Sarah distracts Charlie. They’re alone in a cabin so he attempts to make a move on her, to which she declines so he calls her a prick-tease and then electrocutes her, which makes her shoes bleed. He knew she was a lesbian so I don’t really understand the confusion once she shot him down. If she is a “prick-tease” it’s not cuz she’s a bitch, she’s just not into dudes. Michelle finds Sarah’s body. Charlie goes to his room. He opens his laptop and the screen reads, “Look under the bed. Seriously look under the bed.” There’s a snake under the bed. Bye Charlie.
Sheriff Pierce gets a call. It turns out Bobby is innocent, he didn’t kill the headless guy with no hands. Sheriff Pierce apologizes and has a burglary elsewhere to investigate so he just leaves Bobby in his office. On the wall is his award for the last time he shot somebody.
Peter and Michelle make out.
The fax comes through back at the Mayberry office. The headless/handless guy’s name was Peter Bishop. So who’s the Peter Bishop they’ve been hanging out with? Bobby steals a motorcycle and heads back to camp.
Peter and Michelle are still making out and now it’s dark. How long were they making out? He offers her some whisky. Peter is actually Adam, Eric’s little brother. They should have just called this movie Red Herring cuz it desperately tries over and over again to mislead you. Unfortunately, in the process of misleading you it creates situations where it would have been all but impossible for Adam and the killer to be in two places at once. Couple that with a wardrobe change... forget it. Also, I thought the group were best friends at one time, but they don’t remember Eric’s little brother? Not one member of the group recognized him?
Adam dug up Eric’s body and burned down his house with his parents and Eric's corpse inside. He was so tired of hearing about Eric, Eric, Eric.. Sounds like middle-kid syndrome. Now it’s time to finish Run For Your Lives. Adam drugged the whiskey he gave Michelle. He carries her back to the cemetery and counts to 20.
Bobby finds Michelle hiding behind a tombstone just as Sheriff Pierce finds them. Adam kills Pierce then he and Bobby fight it out while Michelle escapes. Adam wins and crucifies Bobby to the cemetery gate. He then chases Michelle until Bobby, who has somehow managed to free himself, knocks Adam into Eric’s grave hole. Adam starts to climb out so Bobby shoots him with what must have been Sheriff Pierce’s gun. But Sheriff Pierce is actually still alive, takes credit for the Adam stoppage, and now wants another award: Officer of the Year.
Bobby and Michelle sit in the backseat of a cop car waiting and wondering, what now? Start a new chapter? Michelle was all ready to hook up with Adam, but as soon as things didn’t work out she’s willing to settle for ol’ Bobby? The driver side door opens and a figure gets in. In the rearview mirror we see Adam’s eyes, where is he gonna take them? Credits roll.
Okay, so maybe it’s because the jock-types never turn around and write horror movies, which leaves just us nerds to write the scripts that portray them in an extra negative light, but really, the younger brother wasn’t recognizable? And you have to imagine that the four dudes had to be tight with each other, yet they didn’t communicate with each other at all? If they were really friends, the death of an equal friend should've brought them closer together. This co-ed Friends bullshit relationship where four guys and three girls are all buddies is hard to swallow.
The Badass Award goes to Bobby. He took the fall, served five years for manslaughter, and despite this, he was the first to go for help. Even after getting locked up again, he still felt enough loyalty toward his friends to return and save the day without even knowing if there was anyone left to save. What did we learn? Survival Tips:
1) Don’t shower at night at a basically abandoned campground.
2) Don’t check out noises in the night alone.
3) Don’t walk down an empty street at night holding a rubber knife and fake blood on your hand.