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D

disturbia (2007)

Damien Ross

D.J. Caruso

“That's either the creepiest... Or the sweetest thing I've ever heard.”

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Opening Scene: Kale and his dad are fishing together showing what a great father-son relationship they have. On the drive home they get into a car accident. His dad dies. Kale was driving.

One Year Later: Kale is checked out at school. Luckily, it’s almost summer break, but not soon enough because Kale punches out his Spanish teacher for confronting him in class and mentioning his dead father.

His punishment: Three months of house arrest. That’s the whole summer! Thank God for online gaming. Oh wait, mom cancelled his Xbox account. Then she cuts the cord to his tv. One thing I’ve never understood after you’ve already been punished by your school or the law: Your parents still feel the need to stack some extra punishment on top of it. So his dad is dead and he and his mom are now turning against each other.

Hold the phone, hot girl moving in next door! And a flaming bag of shit on his doorstep. He chases the kids that did it, with smoking shit still on his shoe, and triggers his ankle bracelet. It doesn’t help that one of the cops surveying him is the cousin of Mr. Gutierrez, the teacher he punched. What a way to make an impression on the new neighbors.

From his dead dad’s study, Kale has a nice view of the new girl’s backyard and her bedroom window. One thing I failed to mention in the Summer of 84 review is that both of these guys started out as peeping toms.

His friend Ronald stops by and based on Kale’s enthusiasm, I’d say it’s been awhile since he’s interacted with anyone besides his mom. Kale shows Ronald his new tv: The windows. Out the window he can watch his neighbors and all their shady shit and when he wants to change the channel, he just walks into another room. And the new girl has a pool.

While checking the mail, Kale awkwardly meets the new girl next door, Ashley. That night, through binoculars, he watches her do yoga. Her dad comes in and yells at her. It seems she knows he’s watching her and is somehow okay with it.

Later that night, one of his neighbors come home. There’s a dent in his fender. In the morning, the headline on the newspaper reads, “Missing Girl.” This escalates quickly as he puts two and two together, his neighbor is a murderer!

Now he and Ronald are on the case. They research the missing girl, then break to watch Ashley go for a swim. They think she caught them watching her and then the doorbell rings. It’s her. She says she’s locked out of her house and comes in. She finds the binoculars. In an act of subterfuge, they tell her they’re watching the neighbor, Robert Turner, because he is responsible for the missing girls. Ashley is on board and the stakeout begins.

During the stakeout, Kale and Ashley have a little heart to heart. She moved from the city to the burbs so her mom could keep a shorter leash on her dad. Apparently the city offers too much temptation and the best way to keep people faithful is to take away their options.

Robert is back. He has a woman with him. Kale and Ashley watch Robert through his living room window. The woman dances while Robert strokes a knife. He comes up behind her and cuts the price tag off of her dress. Ashley’s mom calls so Kale walks her home. He goes for a kiss and gets denied! But he may have a date for tomorrow. Ashley goes into her room and closes her blinds. Denied again.

Later that night, Kale hears screams coming from Robert’s. He’s juggling between binoculars and a handheld camera while trying to be discreet. If you were gonna kill somebody, wouldn’t you think to close the blinds first? After what looks like a struggle, that same woman gets into her car and leaves. Kale looks back at one of the windows and Robert is staring back at him and his binoculars. Busted!

In the morning, Kale wakes up and goes downstairs. He grabs a bagel and cuts it open with the biggest knife he can find. He grabs the cream cheese outta the fridge and when he shuts the door, Robert is standing in front of him. Kale panics, but it turns out, at the store, his mom had a flat tire and Robert just happened to be there. Did he pop her tire so she’d need his help?

Ashley comes over. Kale fills her in, but today she doesn’t seem interested. Her parents are out of town so she’s gonna have a party cuz she met some people. That’s the worst. When you’re not cool, but you meet the new girl first and then she meets the cool people. You’re beyond friend-zoned, you don’t even exist anymore. And to pour salt in the wound, it’s all happening right next door, 10-feet away from his ankle bracelet boundary. All he can do is watch through his binoculars.

Kale puts a speaker onto his rooftop pointed at her party and blasts Lovin’ You, by Minnie Riperton. She gets mad and storms into his house. You’d think if you thought your neighbor was a murderer you’d Fort Knox your house up a little bit. She finds out he was watching her, it turns out she didn’t know before. He confesses to watching her, but not in a pervy way. She loves pizza flavored chips and reading books on her rooftop while trying to figure out the world. Then she kisses him? A dude definitely wrote this script.

Meanwhile, blood splatters onto a window from the inside of ol’ Robert’s while they are not watching. The makeout session is interrupted by the sound of Robert dragging a large bag down the outside stairs into his garage. Is there any worse way to dispose of a body?

The next day they put Ronald on the case. Ashley follows Robert to the hardware store so Ronald can break into his car to get his garage door opener so they can take a peek inside. Robert is shovel shopping and apparently has more than one car. All the while, Ashley has Kale on the phone, but runs into a friend, literally, and drops her phone. She loses the call and Robert just as Ronald finally breaks into the car. Kale tells him to give him the code.

Robert finds Ashley in the parking lot. He gets into her car and calmly confronts her. He knows she’s been following him. He’s not mad, he doesn’t want to know why, but he likes his privacy and even implies that she has a crush on him. But the point is that he knows, and he tells her to spread the word, lightly implying that he knows that they’re watching him.

Back at the house, Ashley tells Ronald and Kale that maybe it’s time to drop it. She also points out that they are the ones acting weird and spying on people. This is that, “What are we doing?” epiphany that all My Neighbor’s a Murderer! movies have. It’s an attempt to pull the viewer out of the mindset the characters are in and second guess what is actually going on. It basically sets up the plot-twist option.

Kale keeps watching. Ronald comes back over in a panic. He dropped his phone in Robert’s car! Kale sends him over with the camera he jimmy-rigged. Ronald gets inside the garage. It stinks. Kale wants him to look around. There’s blood and hair. The garage shuts, trapping Ronald inside, and cutting off contact. Kale runs over with his baseball bat and ankle bracelet triggered.

The cops show up. Robert comes to the door. They handcuff Kale and he announces that Robert is kidnapping and killing women! The cops take a look inside. They find the big smelly blue bag. There’s a dead deer inside. He hit the deer with his car earlier that week, hence the dent in his fender.

Kale and his mom get into a fight and she goes over to Robert’s to try and smooth things over. Just then, Kale gets a text from Ronald’s phone telling him to look at his computer. On the screen is Ronald, he looks dead. He’s actually in Kale’s closet, just fucking with him. Kale is pissed! His mom goes inside Robert’s. Ronald plays his little garage escape video while he goes to the bathroom. In the background, Kale zooms in and notices what looks like a face through a plastic bag.

As Kale’s mom tries to leave after patching things up with Robert, he slams her head into the wall. He then goes over to Kale’s with the baseball bat and knocks out Ronald. Then goes after Kale. After a struggle, Kale makes a run for it. All he has to do is get off his property and the cops will come, but he’s too slow. Robert catches him and duct tapes him to a chair.

Now it’s time to frame Kale: The troubled boy in the neighborhood. He killed Ronald because Ronald was calling Ashley behind his back. Then he killed his mom for constantly blaming him for the death of his father, now it was time to write Ashley a note, but instead she shows up.

The two overpower Robert and lock themselves in Kale’s room. They get Kale outta the duct tape just as Robert breaks in. They jump out the window into her swimming pool. Kale breaks back into Robert’s house to save his mom. Officer Gutierrez shows up, but Robert takes him out.

Kale falls through the basement floor landing in water(?) and finds body after body. Finally, he finds his mom. How did Robert get her all the way down there then over to Kale’s so fast? Robert finds him and it’s time for the final showdown. As Robert is about to finish Kale, his mom stabs him in the back and Kale hedgeclips him then knocks him into the big hole?

The next day, Kale gets his ankle bracelet removed for good behavior. He’s free! He goes outside and is greeted by Ashley. They kiss, then he gets revenge on the dogshit burning neighbor kids. And Ronald is still alive! The End.

Afterthought: It’s not clear how long Robert lived next door. He’s making the news killing in Texas, yet at the same time he has his own large stash under his current house. Also, there’s a lot of unnecessary, somewhat elaborate setups that don’t go anywhere. The death of Kale’s dad was a little extreme just to setup house arrest a year later. Ashley’s dad yells at her, insinuating a problem at home, and then the idea is completely abandoned. What the film does capture better than anything else is the teenage fantasy of the hot girl next door. She’s new and she’s all your’s until school starts and she can meet cooler dudes.

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The Badass Award goes to Kale, I guess, by default. If he hadn’t been on house arrest none of this probably would’ve happened, but he did catch a killer and saved his mom from the danger he put her in.

What did we learn? Survival Tips:

Well let’s face it, this was a PG-13 movie. Everyone died offscreen and none of the main characters were ever in any actual danger.

Don't Fuck In The Woods (2016)

Damien Ross

Shawn Burkett

“Anything’s a dildo if you’re brave enough.”

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Opening scene: Full moon night, Meg is sitting alone in front of a campfire. Her boyfriend, Luke, sneaks up from behind and scares her. She shoves him over and steals his beer. They make out and she does a little striptease, which awakens a creature in the woods. Boob-age in the first five minutes! She lures Luke into the tent and long story short, the cockblockin’ creature kills them before they can finish. It couldn’t have given them 20 more seconds? What a dick.

Shitty metal music steers us through the woods and the opening credits as we go to the next scene, the cast of character introduction:

A lesbian couple, Alex and Jane, drink coffee as they prepare to go camping with a “Jock, cheerleader, and a stoner.” A little getaway from the hassle of the real world after graduating high school or college or whatever.

Forward to a video store and suddenly this film turns into Clerks as behind the counter, a frumpy redhead, Parker, breaks down the definition of a Scream Queen. Mac works there too. He’s the flaky stoner who looks like Jack Black and Q (Impractical Jokers) had a kid. The lesbians arrive and the four of them get picked up in too small of a car by Lacey and Conor. A camping they a go!

Meg, from the opening scene, is Lacey’s sister. It’s refreshing when an opening scene actually plays into the rest of the flick. Along the drive, they talk about what a whore Meg is.

The music in this film is horrific. It shows both ends of the spectrum of what Nu-Metal could have become, neither good. Nu-Metal is to music, what the Mullet is to hairstyles: It was fine before there was a name for it, but looking back now, it makes you cringe. Anyone still rocking it just looks like a douche.

They arrive and set up camp, then four of them look for Luke and Meg. I’m pretty sure Meg was Lacey’s sister, but now I’m not so sure cuz not only does Lacey not look for her, she seems the least concerned. Maybe she was Alex’s sister? But Alex is the one bringing up all the whore stories. They take a break and smoke some weed.

Night falls, and they sit around the campfire telling high school stories. It’s unfathomable that any of these characters are fresh out of high school. Eventually, they go to their tents for the night leaving Mac passed out alone by the campfire with that fuck-hating monster. Luckily, it senses another couple fucking in a nearby tent. The creature makes short work of them and Mac wakes up. He heads into the lesbian tent and immediately gets slapped and denied.

In the morning, they pack up the cooler and head down to the water. Some dude rolls up on a quad and questions them like he’s gonna do something. They ask him if he’s seen Luke and Meg. He hasn’t, but wishes them the best. Then he finds a tree to jerk off behind while watching Lacey undress. Apparently, the cockblockin creature is against all forms of orgasms, and he gets gotted. Nothing but blood and jizz left on the side of a tree.

Another night, another campfire. They tell more stories and play Fuck, Marry, Kill until Parker, Conor, and Lacey hit the hay so Mac stays up with the lesbians. A little game of Truth or Dare ensues, which is nothing more than a lame attempt by Mac to try to score a threesome, cuz he thinks deep down all lesbians are attracted to men. He gets rejected again as the girls go get it on in their tent without him. Meanwhile, Lacey and Conor are already getting it on and Mac is once again alone by the campfire.

Mac takes a walk while the creature is stirring. He lights a blunt and takes a piss. Meanwhile, there’s a lot of fucking in tents. Alex leaves her tent to take a piss. The creature attacks her, but since Conor and Lacey are almost done and Alex has only had a little piece of sex, it leaves her to go after them.

Mac hears something so he runs back, but it’s too late, Creature Cockblocker has already taken out Lacey. He stumbles across wounded Alex so he calls Jane out of the tent. Then Parker awakens and comes out. Then Conor. It rips Parker’s throat out, then rips Conor’s dick off and let’s out a battle roar at the moon. The creature ate Lacey’s ovaries!

The remaining three make a run for it, making no attempt to help Alex’s gimpy ass out. They devise a plan to go to the car where for some reason there are weapons. They stroll to the camp and verify the body count then grab the car keys.

They get to the car, but instead of immediately driving off they hang out a bit and the creature grabs Mac. Jane shoots it with a crossbow, which just pisses it off. As an act of subterfuge, Mac kicks it in the ding-ding, from behind, which pisses it off even more, but at least Mac dies with dignity.

The car won’t start. Jane makes a run for it after discovering that Alex is dead. Now it’s personal. Now Jane is Arnold Schwarzenegger at the end of Predator, except in Predator, nobody got laid. It wasn’t even an option! Instead of covering herself in mud, she lights multiple flares, but the creature sees through it. She still manages to escape, limping away, the way you do in the original Resident Evil when you’re down to one health bar. She finds the crossbow, ties a flare to an arrow, shoots it into the creature, and basically blows it up.

In the morning, she wakes up, wounded and on the ground. Apparently, after she killed it she passed out? She gets up and limps away. The End... Cept there’s 12 minutes of outtakes, which is basically nudity that got cut out of the film. Do I have your attention now?! So the film is only an hour, I’d hate to tell you how long it took me to watch it, especially cuz you’d get the wrong idea.

Afterthought: Generally, a cockblocking slasher is kind of an afterthought, an accidental moral to the story, but this film makes it as literal as possible. Why is it that every time a supernatural killer goes after teens fucking, it’s while they’re camping? This film is hacky, cheesy, but still fun, and the sequel is in the works! It didn’t feel that low-budget to me, then again, I’ve seen some shit lately.

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The Badass Bitch Award goes to Jane for killing the monster and not dying.

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Parker shoulda been the Final Girl. She went camping with no boyfriend and zero sexual agenda. If anything, she was a feminist on the fence of where her sexuality lay. Not to mention she foreshadowed her role of the Final Girl with her little Scream Queen definition speech at the video store in the beginning of the film! What the hell? She was the only character in the whole film that the cockblockin killer had no motive to kill! This film did her dirty, and not even in an attempt to trick the viewer, but out of sheer ignorance as a horror screenwriter. It was right there! How you gonna make an anti-sex villain kill the virgin character first? Well not first, second out of the main cast.

What did we learn? Survival Tips:

1) Like the title says, don’t fuck in the woods!

2) Don’t walk around at night with a flashlight, I don’t care how dark it is.

3) Once you get to your escape vehicle, don’t linger around, get the fuck out!

Dead Before Dawn (2012)

Damien Ross

April Mullen

“No, it’s just weed, not the weed, why do all you old people say that?”

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Casper wakes up from a nightmare about his dad dying to a phone call from his gramps who wants him to watch his antique shop so he can go out of town and receive his lifetime achievement award from the Occult Society. Casper makes up a lie and goes to school. He’s afraid of the antique shop because his dream wasn’t just a dream, that’s how his dad really died in said antique shop. As a result, his mom seems to be a little overprotective. She treats him like he’s eight years old.

Casper gets to class and sits by Becky, but he’s obsessed with Charlotte, who has a douchebag boyfriend, Patrick. They’re supposed to be in college, but they actually look like high school students, either that or I’m just getting old.

Burt is Becky’s boyfriend, kinda. He’s also the teacher’s assistant and a weird, flaky, poet type. Casper has yet to turn in his end of term assignment and has one day left to turn it in or fail.

After class, Casper’s friends go for burritos, but he feels guilty and instead goes to Gramps’ antique shop, The Occult Barn, and tells him he can watch the shop after all. Gramps is relieved and gives him the rundown: First rule of Antique Shop Club: Never close during working hours. Second rule of Antique Shop Club: Always lock up when you leave. Third rule of Antique Shop Club: Nobody is to get within spitting distance of the urn, the same urn from his dream that killed his dad. If the urn were to break the spirit will curse whoever set it free. You’d think the spirit would be grateful, like a genie, and grant him wishes.

Charlotte and her friend Lucy come in. Apparently, Charlotte goes in there all the time, but Casper wouldn’t know that cuz he’s too scared to step foot inside. Imagine that: You have a huge crush on a girl and wish you had an in to talk to her when the whole time she’s been hanging out in your grandpa’s store. After a little small talk, she tries to pay, but he tells her it’s on the house.

Just then, his friends, Becky, Dazzie, and Seth walk in. Seth and Charlotte eyeball the urn when Patrick walks in. Casper wants to out-douche Patrick, so he brings the urn down. Charlotte asks if she can touch it, he says yes, then drops it on the floor and the lights go out. He freaks out worried about the curse and his friends begin mentioning worst case scenarios: Everyone you make eye contact will kill themselves and come back as zombies possessed by the urn: Zemons. Instead of eating your brains they give you hickies and if you get a hicky, you will want to kill yourself so you can turn into a zemon too. If you French kiss a zemon, it will be your slave. This will all start at 10PM and if they don’t reverse the curse by dawn they’ll be cursed for all eternity. They all agree and the lights come back on. Little do they know, they’ve just set the ground rules for the curse, but Casper is the only one who believes.

Casper pieces the urn back together then goes home. He barricades his room, just his room, looks like mom is on her own. He finishes with nine minutes to spare, but he needs food.

Becky is over at Burt’s house who is serenading her while they drink wine. At the school, the big football game is beginning. It’s past 10 and Casper made eye-contact with his mom. For some reason, everybody has old ass alarm clocks in this film.

Back at Burt’s, he professes his love for Becky and then jumps off his balcony, plummeting to his death. At the game, the receiver that Dazzie throws the ball to scores a touchdown then impales himself with a yard marker. Everyone else then proceed to kill themselves. Between Patrick, Dazzie, Lucy, and Charlotte, they have made eye-contact with everybody?

The lights at Casper’s go out. His mom took a bath... With the toaster, and now she is a zemon. He runs out of the house and she gets hit by a car driven by a couple of hillbillies with a 12-gauge. One of the hillbillies shoots himself in the face and Casper runs away. He runs into Becky who is armed with a crossbow. They head to the school where everybody is dead and turning into zemons. Casper, Becky, Lucy, Charlotte, Patrick, and Dazzie run over to Seth’s house to assess the situation.

Gramps returns to the shop with his trophy and immediately notices the broken urn and says, “Great Scott!” A little Back to the Future throwback, Gramps is played by Christopher Lloyd.

Back at Seth's, they all grab weapons, hop into his Winnebago, and head back to the antique shop not expecting Gramp’s to be there. They fill him in. Whatever is said when the urn breaks will come true, Dun, dun, dun... Gramps has a book that will help, but they’ve all been making eye-contact with him the entire time so he stabs himself in the head with his new trophy. He says something about Casper’s great grandfather before dying. They lock him in a box before he can turn into a zemon.

Charlotte reads from the book. In order to recreate the urn, they need to collect the following elements: Ashes from the previous urn, a new urn to capture the spirit, a human skull to seal the urn, a toad heart to bring it to life, and a time piece from the previous exorcist. Casper’s great grandfather was the one to initially capture the urn.

They leave the shop and battle zemons on their way back to the Winnebago, then head back to school. Along the way, Patrick says to stop so he and Charlotte can leave the group, but Charlotte doesn’t want to. Patrick gets out of the Winnebago and is taken out by a horde of zemons. Charlotte wanted to break up with him anyway so it’s a wash.

They run outta gas near a gas station. Casper and Charlotte walk into the gas station, trying not to make eye-contact with anyone, which is just the one guy working there. They pumped 20 bucks worth of gas awfully quick, but Seth accidentally made eye-contact with the attendant who then pours gasoline all over himself, lights himself up, and blows up the gas station.

The plan is too split up when they get to the school. Becky and Charlotte are going to the library, Seth and Lucy are going to the biology lab, Dazzie’s gonna hit the anthropology room, and Casper is gonna stay behind and man the Winnebago.

In the library, Becky and Charlotte feel bad for Casper. He’d already lost his dad and now his mom and Gramps.

Mission accomplished at the school as they get back into the Winnebago except Dazzie got a hicky and now he wants to kill himself.

They go to the cemetery to dig up Casper’s great grandfather and get his pocket watch. When they get there, Dazz hits Lucy in the head with the new urn so Casper smacks him in the face with a shovel, then Burt shows up. Lucy tries to kiss him, but he gives her a hicky so she tries to kill herself. She says a few words to Seth, who has a huge crush on her, then snaps her own neck. She comes back as a zemon, so he kisses her and now she’s his slave.

They go into the Winnebago and prepare the new urn, using a coffee mug, but one of them needs to sacrifice themselves so Caspar volunteers. He kisses Charlotte goodbye and Becky gives him her crossbow. As he is about to shoot himself, Zemon Patrick grabs him from behind causing him to accidentally shoot Becky. A horde of zemons approach as Casper pulls the pin outta the grenade in his hand right at dawn and everything reverses.

Casper wakes up in The Occult Barn and everything is back to normal, but not how it was. Casper and Charlotte are together and so are Seth and Lucy. It’s graduation day, yet Gramps is just now standing up his trophy. He leaves them with the shop while he goes on vacation. They kiss and the urn falls... The End?

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The Gilligan Award goes to Casper for trying to impress a girl and unleashing a curse in the process. Had he just figured out how to talk to her and be himself in the first place, non of this would have happened. Granted, he did offer to sacrifice himself, but still, this whole thing was his fault.

What did we learn? Survival Tips:

1) Don’t mess with sacred urns.

2) Don’t separate from the group.

3) Just be yourself, whoever that is.

Don't Breathe (2016)

Damien Ross

Fede Alvarez

“There's nothing a man can't do once he accepts that there is no God.”

This story is set in Detroit. Three teenagers(?), Rocky, Alex, and Money, make their living by breaking into homes. Their goal is to make enough money to get out of Detroit and go to California. As a rule, they only steal goods, not cash, and they don't use guns based on prison lengths if they get caught, same reason they don't steal cash.

Rocky appears to have the most to gain by fleeing the city. Her home life is straight out of a Rob Zombie flick: A loser mom who just moved her unemployed, alcoholic, degenerate boyfriend in. To make matters worse, she has a sister who's probably about eight. If she were just trying to get herself out it'd be one thing, but a younger sister adds complications.

Money finds their ultimate heist: An old army vet sitting on a $300,000 settlement from the death of his daughter. He is a shut-in, doesn't leave the house much, but more importantly, he is blind and the neighborhood is empty. The catch: They would have to rob him while he was home and he has a dog.

Money is the most unlikeable character so of course he is the first to die and now Rocky and Alex are locked in, but they have the cash. The vet finds their shoes so he knows Money wasn't acting alone then he immediately notices that his money is gone. Now the game of cat and mouse begins.

This kinda reminds me of a segment from Faces of Death where a guy was robbing a bank on a Friday night. He accidentally locked himself inside the vault and the bank was closed till Monday morning. There wasn't enough oxygen to last until Monday so there he was surrounded by all the money he could ever need, but he wouldn't live long enough to spend it.

Alex and Rocky discover a prisoner in the basement, a girl about their age. The girl holds up a newspaper clipping (not sure why she had that, but luckily she did), indicating that she is Cindy, the girl who killed the vet's daughter. They free her, but as they try to make their escape the vet shoots her dead and then gets really upset about it, which doesn't make until later.

So enough with the synopsis, it's time to get to the series of moral quandaries: Once the vet captures Rocky, he explains that since Cindy killed his daughter she was going to give him a new baby. He'd impregnated Cindy and now he was going to impregnate Rocky, but he is not a rapist. He was going to fill a turkey baster with some sperm he had laying around the house. Not really, he had some frozen.

Basically, everybody in this movie is bad. Our sympathies lay with the blind army vet because we know he is the victim. Not only did he lose his sight in battle, but he also lost his daughter while the killer did no time. It gets twisted because he won a $300,000 settlement, the death was ruled manslaughter, but he kidnapped and impregnated her anyway. Had he got no money and known it was murder, maybe you could justify the kidnapping, but you don't get the money and revenge.

He claims he is not a rapist because he didn't physically have sex with her, but isn't one of the harsh experiences of rape being impregnated by a monster? Isn't that why some Christians are okay with abortion in the instance of rape? Instead of raping her with his penis he uses a phallic shaped tube full of semen and that's supposed to put it into a different category? Had the baby been born would he have given her the $300,000 back?

Rocky was a girl doing bad things, but based on her intentions to save her sister from the living hell she grew up in, does that justify her actions? Well, I mean, at least up until the plan to rob a blind vet because after all, they did not yet know he was a monster.

The vet holds Rocky responsible for the death of Cindy and his unborn daughter so Rocky gets to take her place, but what if after nine months she gives birth to a boy? Is she still free to go or do they keep trying until she has a girl? Luckily, we'll never know because Alex saves the day.

In the end, at the airport, the news is on and Rocky sees that the vet survived. He killed two men who broke into his house, but nothing was taken. The good news is, it ended there. He didn't pull a Rutger Howard from The Hitcher, despite pulling a Rutger Howard from Blind Fury. We got a nice clean break. Crime does pay!

I had heard that Don't Breathe was based on a true story, it is not, but what better way to sell a movie, especially a horror movie, than to say it was based on a true story.

The Badass Bitch Award goes to Rocky for stabbing the old vet in the mouth with his own jizz.

What did we learn? Survival Tips:

1) Don't rob blind old vets.

2) Turn off your cell phone when you are breaking and entering.

3) Take birth control. You never know when a blind old veteran might try to artificially inseminate you.

 

Diary of the Dead (2007)

Damien Ross

George A. Romero

"If I don't film it, it didn't happen."

The news has been edited for the safety of the public while uploaded viral videos speak the truth about the dangers of living in a zombie apocalypse. A group of film students originally set out to make a movie, but now travel trying to survive the chaos while filming it and uploading the results into the interweb. The students realize they are on their own after running into other selfish groups with resources: The National Guard and their weapons, families that have already turned into the undead.

While Jason kinda has the right idea in terms of documenting, he gets a little too obsessed with filming everything, a reflection of people who have to take pictures of everything, go to a comedy club and film the show, and can't take a piss without sharing it on Facebook all because their phone is capable of it.

This is probably Romero's best since Night of the Living Dead. The special effects looked great despite being filmed through a first person hand held camera. The kill scenes were all original and creative and there's nothing quite as calming as driving in an RV through desolation.

What did we learn? Survival tips:
1) When the shit hits the fan, don't trust anyone.

2) Once again, filming your own horror movie never ends well.

 

The Descent 1 & 2

Damien Ross

The Descent (2005)

Neil Marshall

"I'm an English teacher, not fucking Tomb Raider."

On the way back from a rafting trip, Sarah and her husband and daughter get into a head on collision, which kills her husband and daughter on impact. One year later, Sarah and five friends go to a cave in the Appalachian Mountains. Once they descend into the cave, the opening collapses and they must find another way out.

They soon find that they are not alone in the cave, there are strange deadly blind creatures. They find themselves in a fight for there lives as they try to find a new way out while passing the bones of those that previously didn't make it.

I didn't think this movie was that scary, but it had its claustrophobic moments. The opening cave scene has a good combination of claustrophobia and fear of heights, not to mention my shins still hurt from watching the Holly leg break scene.

The Badass Bitch Award goes to Juno Kaplan because she killed the first creature, accidentally mangled Beth and didn't tell anyone, killed another creature to save two of her friends and she knew the most about rock climbing. I know it was setup for Sarah to be the hero, but Sarah's a cunt. I understand her being upset about Beth, but that's no excuse to wound Juno and leave her for dead. The story does allude that Juno had been sleeping with Sarah's husband, but it was never actually said that I caught.

What did we learn? Survival tips:

1) Watch the road when you are driving!

2) Don't run in caves, in fact, stay out of caves!

3) Don't leave your friends for dead unless you know they are dead.

4) Don't sneak up on people.

5) Maybe don't sleep with your friend's husband.

The Descent: Part 2 (2009)

Jon Harris

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It is two days later and Sarah has escaped and wakes up in a hospital again, this time with amnesia. The sheriff, his deputy, and three specialists take Sarah back into the cave. In the cave we run into the creatures again.

The Gilligan Award goes to Sheriff Vaines for shooting his gun in the cave causing it to collapse in certain places trapping Cath. He then almost gets Greg killed by yelling into his cb, then he handcuffs himself to Sarah, he basically puts everyone's life in danger at some point, not to mention it was his idea to go back into the cave to begin with.

They find Holly's camera, which miraculously still has a charge after two days. At some point Sarah seems to get her memory back. Juno is still alive and we find out without a doubt that she did sleep with Sarah's husband.

The Badass Bitch Award goes to Sarah Carter for kicking creature ass, forgiving Juno and then sacrificing herself so that Ellen could escape and go back to her daughter. Unfortunately, Ed is a creep and was waiting to hit Ellen in the head with a shovel and feed her back into the cave.

What did we learn? Survival tips:

1) Don't shoot guns in caves.

2) Don't yell in a cave full of blind murderous creatures who hunt by sound.

3) Once again, if you're going to leave your friends for dead, make sure they are dead.

4) Never trust creepy old locals that are too into nature.

Deadgirl (2008)

Damien Ross

Marcel Sarmiento & Gadi Harel

It's another boring day so Rickie and JT decide to ditch school and head down to the local abandoned mental asylum. While there, they discover a naked girl, bound and gagged and barely alive. Rickie decides to bail, but meets back up with JT later. JT explains that the girl can't die and that she could be their sex slave. He tells their friend Wheeler and for some reason, Wheeler has absolutely no problem fucking the "zombie" in front of other people.

The Badass Bitch Award goes to the girl at the gas station who after getting hit in the head with a crowbar, proceeds to beat the shit out of JT and Wheeler.

What did we learn? Survival tips:

1) Stay in school. The amount of trouble you get into at school is usually much less than when you cut class.

2) If you find a girl who is in need of help, try to help her. Don't just have sex with her because she's defenseless.

3) Don't have sex with a zombie girl, especially not oral!

4) Don't hit girls in the back of the head with crowbars.

Dead End (2003)

Damien Ross

Jean-Baptiste Andrea & Fabrice Canepa

"You handle that lug wrench like a whore handles a baby."

How is it that after picking up a strange woman with a cut on her forehead holding a baby, who then kills your daughter's boyfriend, it still takes an hour or so for you to remember the creepy ghost story you used to hear as a kid? That should have been the first thought through your stupid head upon seeing the woman on the side of the road. That and: Don't pick up hitch hikers.

I like how they leave their daughter behind, then stop at an abandoned ranger station for help so the son decides that this moment would be the perfect time to jerk off in the woods to a magazine he's had hidden under his clothing this whole time.

This whole movie takes place in a car while they drive around in a circle as you hope for an ending that will wrap all of this up and make sense out of this weird story line, which it does, but it's an unoriginal 2003 typical plot-twist ending.

Some of the dialog cracked me up and it was good to see Lin Shaye again. Dad gets points for knowing how to change a flat tire. I'm gonna try to make it a point to start mentioning the good things the characters do instead of just the bad.

What did we learn? Survival tips:

1) Don't jerk off in the woods.

2) Learn how to change a flat tire.

3) Don't pick up suspicious looking people on abandoned roads no matter how much help they look like they need.

Dead Alive (1992)

Damien Ross

Peter Jackson

"I kick ass for the Lord!"

Lionel is a just a regular guy who lives with his mom and is starting a little romance with Paquita, the girl from the local store. They go to the zoo together and Lionel's mom follows, but while she is spying on them she is bitten by a Sumatran rat monkey.

As the days pass she starts decomposing until she finally dies, but she comes back and starts infecting more and more people. For some reason, Lionel decides to keep this a secret. He doesn't tell Paquita, he instead blows her off so she starts dating someone else. His greedy uncle finds the corpses in the basement and blackmails him for the inheritance, and then has a party where all the guests are turned into zombies.

Paquita comes back and finds out the truth about what's going on and Lionel figures out the truth about his goofy looking father.: He didn't drown while saving Lionel from drowning when he was a boy, Lionel's mother drowned him and his mistress when she found out he was having an affair.

All in all, this movie was fucken ridiculous. Somehow it was really gross despite looking really fake, maybe because most of the gross parts seemed to involve eating. You can call it blasphemy, but I'm just gonna come out say it, I think this movie is highly overrated. A lot of people put this in their top 10 zombie movie list, I am not one of them. I wonder if people would still feel this way had Peter Jackson not gone on to make the Lord of the Rings trilogy. At least Sam Raimi's old movies were good....

These zombies were different and I didn't realize that 24 hours after two zombies conceive a baby it would be born. They also seemed impossible to kill. They just kept coming back and the transformation was quick.

The Badass Award goes to Father McGruder for kicking ass for the Lord at the cemetery then later fucking the zombie nurse and having a zombie baby.

What did we learn? Survival tips:

1) Amputate all body parts infected by zombie bites.

2) Avoid Sumatran rat monkeys.

3) Don't piss on graves.

4) Look both ways before crossing the street.

5) If you have a zombie situation in your house, don't keep it a secret. It will slowly ruin your life.

 

Days of Darkness (2007)

Damien Ross

Jake Kennedy

"You have 17 shells left and you use one on the ceiling?"

A comet lands and four days later the human population is turned into mindless zombies, except for a small mismatched group of survivors who find safety in a military bunker. Said bunker has been tagged with a lot of graffiti in the four days since the comet landed.

Cause: The zombies are hosts for aliens that thawed out from the comet and are now being used as spacesuits while the aliens adapt to the earth's habitat. That's actually kind of a cool idea. Once the alien is in you, your dick falls off as you turn into a mindless zombie. Women seem to be fast-forwarded into late term pregnancy while not showing any bulge in the belly.

Alcohol saves the day because cinematic aliens seem to crave hydration, which is why they're attracted to Earth in the first place, 70% water baby. They abort as soon as you get it into your system. Just hope the alien is in your belly and not your head.

The Badass Award goes to Steve for keeping a cool head and figuring out a cure to the alien/zombie pandemic.

What did we learn? Survival tips:

1) Don't stick your forearm in a zombie's mouth as a defensive tactic.

2) When the zombies attack, make sure to have a badass black dude with you.

3) Don't attempt to have sex in a pandemic situation.

 

Dawn Of The Dead (1978)

Damien Ross

George A. Romero

"Do you want to abort it? Not too late, and I know how."

I did the math and although it doesn't feel like it, this takes place about three days after Night of the Living Dead. Should they have shot this one in B/W too? It wasn't really scary, it felt more like an action movie.

The opening gives us a view of what's been going on since the original while introducing us to the main characters, Stephen, Fran, Roger, and Peter. Stephen and Fran work for the news station, Roger and Peter are SWAT, which is why they can handle weapons and Stephen can't shoot worth a piss.
They find themselves at a mall where they devise the plan to block off all of the entrances then kill the zombies inside. The mall would make for a nice sanctuary, you can land a helicopter on the roof, although the food supply would become a problem sooner rather than later.

For some reason, all the zombies are flocking to the mall. They go inside and just walk around. "They're after the place. They don't know why they just remember, remember that they want to be here."
Fran is pregnant and smoking. Peter knows how to abort it, which was an odd tidbit of information to volunteer considering that nobody asked. Hopefully he also knows how to deliver live babies as well.

Roger got a little too cocky during the door barricade mission, and was bitten twice. Knowing little about how to treat zombie bites, he eventually died, although chopping off his arm and leg wouldn't have been a much better alternative. I wouldn't want live without an arm or a leg as things are now without zombies. Why is it that in a zombie apocalypse situation, people can suddenly beat the Saw challenge? By Saw, I am of course referring to the Saw Franchise where they find themselves in the position to make a choice between living and dying, but living might include plucking out your own eyeball in order to survive. In the Saw movies they have to think about it and eventually give in before the time runs out. In zombie movies, it's a no-brainer, they just hack off the limb. Somehow, in a world where there is no hope, it seems palatable to overcome a missing limb.

The longer they stay in the mall, the more they acquire nice stuff, after all, everything is free. Suddenly their storeroom refuge looks like a New York condo. Peter and Stephen are dressed sharp, playing cards and gambling like a couple of high rollers with the money they took from the mall bank. Would they eventually become too consumed with their material possessions to leave if they needed to?

Not too far away, a biker gang is watching and planning an attack. They move the barricades and make their way in. Too bad Roger wasn't still around, he would have been way more helpful than piss-shot Stephen. The biker gang enters, along with a new horde of zombies that continue to flock to the mall even after death.

Stephen finally meets his demise, but not before finally killing something. Peter sends Fran to the roof, where the choppa is, his plan is suicide by zombie, and if that doesn't work, he's got a spare bullet for himself. The zombies enter and he has a change of heart. He chooses life and makes it in time to hitch a ride in the choppa with Fran and they escape.

This movie is more a reflection of consumerism than a statement. If people have the option of nice stuff, especially for free, they'll usually take it and maybe even become "consumed" with it. But like most zombie content, it shows us that in the end, we are our own worst enemies. By we, I mean humans.
The Badass Award goes to Peter, who like Ben in Night of the Living Dead, was the man with the plan. He kicked ass, kept a cool head, and could abort a baby whenever needed.

What did we learn? Survival Tips:

1) If you can't shoot, don't have a gun. In a zombie apocalypse, guns are really only good against other people anyway.

2) Don't forget shit.

3) Han Solo advice: Don't get cocky kid.