The Snygg Brothers
“What’s the difference between a wife and a job? The job still sucks after 10 years.”
Opening scene: Tom is the best man at his father’s wedding. He’s still not over his parents splitting up, nor does he care for his new mom so instead of delivering a complimentary speech, he just shits all over his dad then bails. He tries to hitchhike out of there, but gets his hand cut off and then killed by Peter Cottonhell, AKA: Beaster Bunny. Hey, this film was made in 2014, try Uber ya jackass! This scene has nothing to do with the rest of the film.
The following morning, a dog catcher is getting ready for work, which involves, but is not limited to, stuffing a lot of socks down the front of his pants. He works for Dog Catchers in the Rye.
Elsewhere, a woman is cooking a lot of bacon and sausage for her husband, but she won’t let him have any because he’s much older than her and needs to watch his cholesterol. He wanted her to cook it so he could smell it, but now he’s begging for a piece as his daughter calls. His daughter is a struggling actress losing her apartment so she’s trying to see if she can stay with him for awhile, which he does not want. Apparently, she is quite the mooch.
An alarm clock wakes a woman up as we meet yet another character and I now have no idea how much time has passed since the wedding. She walks downstairs, makes ice tea, then sits on the back porch. Who sets an alarm just so they can chill out in the morning? Towering above her is the 50 foot tall Beaster Bunny, which looks a lot like a shitty puppet. Somehow, she cannot hear it breathing, but once she sees it, she runs screaming and gets hit by a pickup truck. Her body is on the street and her forearm is severed as the Beaster Bunny comes over and does something to her head causing her eyeball to shoot out of its socket and fly back into the house landing in the ice tea. Her husband wakes up and drinks it.
Dog Catchers in the Rye are having a morning meeting and today they’re going to catch their ultimate dog! They announce the Dog Catcher of the Year and it’s the first year Sock Boy didn’t get it. Hector got it and Sock Boy is bitter.
We meet another woman, taking care of her garden until she notices all the carrots have been pulled. She follows the carrot trail, that’s a lot of fucking carrots, which leads her to a huge rabbit hole. Behind her, comes the Beaster Bunny and she screams the most pathetic screams I’ve ever heard. On the plus side, he snatches off her tank top, and we get to watch her run topless through the woods until he cuts off her head.
Cholesteryl guy takes his daughter, The Actress, out to breakfast. She won’t let him eat meat either. He’s miserable without meat, he reminds me of Donald, from Microwave Massacre, only not quite as pathetic. He gives her an ultimatum: Get a job by the end of the week or she’s out of the house. She hasn’t even moved in yet!
The Beaster Bunny looks like a Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton wearing a rabbit suit and moves like a puppet from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. It goes after a lady on a horse. The horse runs for their lives. Actually, it just casually trots away as the lady gets ripped in half.
The Actress gets hired at Dog Catcher in the Rye where she meets Sock Boy. He tries to woo her with his dog catching stories, but she doesn’t care about dogs, she just wants her dad off her back.
In the woods, a couple are going to have a picnic despite not bringing any food with them. The man wishes they were at a diner, but at least he can smoke in the woods. His girl plans to skinny-dip even though there’s no water. She makes him turn around while she takes off her clothes, then leaves. He looks for her, but all he finds is her naked lower body and the Beaster Bunny, who chases him. He finds a switchblade and a pack of cigarettes so he grabs the cigarettes. This film is actually funnier when it’s not trying to be funny. It also introduces a lot of characters that have nothing to do with each other just to kill them. You’d think that if you were gonna have so many kill scenes you’d have kills that didn’t look ridiculous.
The next character they introduce looks like a hippy or a pimp, but he’s actually the Mayor and he’s planning a huge Easter celebration for the town, which is really nothing more than a way to get sponsors so that he can make himself some money.
Another girl goes into the woods just to look good and die. This film has a lot of nudity considering how terrible it is. I’ll never understand how they talk girls into even starring in a film like this, let alone get naked.
Roger (a fellow dog catcher) gets a call to go after a tree rat AKA: Squirrel. He was planning to play hockey, but instead, runs into the Beaster Bunny. Apparently, he is the first body found and the Mayor blames the attack on wolves.
Elsewhere, Sock Boy takes The Actress into the woods to train her. Why would you look for dogs in the woods? I thought the problem with wild dogs was them being around people, like in town. Sock Boy continues to try to impress The Actress with his dog war stories while she looks at him like he’s stupid. She looks like Neve Campbell’s mini me and he has a crush on her, but she has a crush on Hector, the Dog Catcher of the Year. She tries to get information about Hector outta Sock Boy so he tells her that Hector is gay.
The Actress takes a break. She puts on her headphones and reads a book as the Beaster Bunny sneaks up behind her and burps out a human foot. She screams, then runs into Sock Boy, knocking him down. She leaves him there, then comes back, takes his car keys, and leaves him again as he professes his love for her. He catches up to her at the car, but she drives off without him.
The Mayor is having a press conference and reporters ask him questions so he continues to lie about what’s going on because he doesn’t know there’s a giant bunny killing people, he just wants to make his money off his Easter Day thing.
Hector discovers the Beaster Bunny in the woods so he runs away, but trips and lands chest first into the rock that he left his trophy on, which impales his chest and kills him.
In the morning, the rest of the dog catchers find out about Hector. The Actress is heartbroken. Hector was the only one who understood her.
Sock Boy finds a trail of mail that leads him to the Beaster Bunny who is eating the mailman. This is the first time he has seen the Beaster Bunny. He runs away screaming. He runs all the way back to the dog catcher station and tells them about the giant rabbit, but they just laugh at him. He tries to assemble a team, but no one will join him. He begs The Actress, who has actually seen the Beaster Bunny, but still looks at him like he’s crazy too so he’s on his own. He runs down the street yelling that everybody needs to kill the rabbits until he comes across a preacher preaching against gays. The preacher knocks him out with a Bible and he’s taken into custody.
The dog catchers are hired for security at the Easter Day celebration that people are coming from miles away to attend, which is right next to where Sock Boy is locked up so they can all hear him screaming about how they’re all going to die because there’s a Beaster Bunny on the loose. Then the Beaster Bunny shows up so everybody starts running as Sock Boy watches from his window. They all look to the Mayor to do something, but he doesn’t know what to do and nobody in town has any guns because they’re illegal. The Mayor gets stomped into a big bloody peace sign as the Beaster Bunny goes on a killing spree, decapitating three people as Sock Boy watches helplessly.
The Actress runs home and catches her parents doing some weird sexual shit involving bacon and a fishing pole. She gets the key to his gun room and for some reason he has a complete arsenal of automatic weapons. Is he the one who confiscated the town’s guns?
She goes back, armed, and frees Sock Boy who appears to be drugged. She dresses him up like a carrot, making him the decoy. He sees the Beaster Bunny and runs the other way, inadvertently luring it over to the rooftop where The Actress shoots it in the head six times and it falls to the ground dead. Sock Boy goes over to make sure it’s dead then poses next to it, taking all the credit for the kill. And just like that, it’s over. The End.
You can have an awesome movie idea, but if your special effects suck, so does your movie. I’m not gonna pretend that this was a great concept, but for those of you who always shit on CGI, have fun with this.
This film had a lot of kills, but they all looked ridiculous. If this review sucked, sorry. I changed it up this week. Instead of typing my notes as I watched, I used the dictaphone so a lot got lost in translation as I tried to decipher what my phone thought I was saying. It also doesn’t help that I was laughing hysterically as I tried to narrate. Lesson learned.
The Badass Bitch Award goes to The Actress, who’s character’s name is actually Brenda. She was new to town and had a lot to figure out. Her dad had given up on her and she lost the only person she’d connected with, but in the end, she got a gun and took care of business.
What did we learn? Survival Tips:
1) Don’t hitchhike!
2) Stay out of the woods!
3) Don’t mouth off to a preacher!