“You ain’t nothing but a dickless man, and there ain’t nuthin worse than that!”
A woman and child are sleeping in a bed together. The child, Jacob, is awoken by a knock on the front door. He goes downstairs to the door, it’s Santa! The woman wakes up, abruptly, goes downstairs, and looks for Jacob. She opens the front door and sees that her Christmas decorations outside are thrashed, like it was Halloween. She shuts the door and finds Jacob asleep in the living room then goes to the bathroom. Santa is now inside. She hops into the shower, even though it is the middle of the night and moments ago she was sleeping. Of course there’s no lock on the door as a hand jerks the shower curtain back... It’s her boyfriend. She tells him to go into the bedroom, “get ready,” and she’ll be there in a minute. Where the hell did he come from?
Candles on the toilet are the only light in the bathroom as the boyfriend gets “ready” in the bedroom. She turns off the shower, pulls back the shower curtain, and there’s Santa, with a pair of hedge clippers. He stabs her upward through her tit, pulls out, and slams spread-eagle blades into her eye sockets. Santa then walks in on the boyfriend in the bedroom. Boyfriend turns around, and for the first time ever, I see a man cut off another man’s penis!
Next scene: Opening music comes on, a goofy version of All Through The House, as a woman, Rachel, drives over to her grandma’s house. She drops off a present for her dead mom, but has to leave to go Christmas shopping with friends. On the way she saw a cop out front with the neighbor, Mrs. Garrett, Jamie’s mom. Jamie is dead. Mrs. Garrett stops Rachel as she is trying to leave so she makes plans to come back later.
A dog named Sugarballs is barking. I’m gonna get a dog and name it Sugarballs. Sugarballs goes off screen and you can hear him get beat and wimper. His owner calls after him and runs into Santa. She catches a machete to the throat and then stabbed through the top of the head. It coulda been the hedge clippers, but that looked like a pretty big blade.
Mrs. Garrett wakes up from a nightmare where she alludes to some inappropriate sexual adventures as a child where Santa passed her around to other men. Her house is oddly decorated inside, a lot of Christmas lights and Santa mannequins and a mannequin that looks like Rachel. I would not invite people into my house if I decorated like that.
Outside, Rachel gets into her car and Gia joins her. They go shopping, take pictures, and meet up with another friend, Sarah. Sarah has a surprise for Rachel, it’s her ex, Cody, who she is not at all happy to see and has not been returning his phone calls.
Back in the neighborhood, some random teenage couple are about to get it on. The girl’s parents are out of town, although they both look every bit of 25. She handcuffs him to the bed then leaves the room. On the hallway table, she notices a pair of hedge clippers, but thinks nothing of it as she continues to the kitchen to grab some peanut butter and other kinky condiments from the fridge. She is greeted by Santa and his hedge clippers as she shuts the door. He crams the closed blades through her jugular and out the top of her head, spraying blood on the ceiling. Say what you want about this film, the kill-scenes are actually pretty legit. He then walks into the bedroom where the helpless boyfriend is lying and chops himself off another dick. It somehow lands on the floor and the cat runs in and starts licking it.
Back at Mrs. Garrett’s house, she is eating dinner with her Rachel and Santa mannequins, which you’d think would make for a quiet evening, but Mrs. Garrett is batshit crazy.
The girls ditch Rachel’s ex and head back to Mrs. Garrett’s where she assigns them chores as she prepares to leave. Flashback to Jamie as a child. Mrs. Garrett wouldn’t let Jamie play outside with the other kids cuz she was fragile. She won’t discuss her mysterious death. She leaves. Funny how she was all hard up for company earlier and now that she has company she bails! Although, she did mention a date earlier, but she already ate! The girls are creeped out by the house and all of the presents under the tree are for Jamie. They start talking about Jamie’s disappearance, no one knows what really happened to her.
Santa continues going house to house killing couples who are about to have sex. For some reason everyone wants to have sex tonight. Basically, these random characters we never actually get to know are being killed to show us that Santa is busy and working his way over.
Rachel snoops around Mrs. Garett’s house trying to find information about what really happened to her mom and to Jamie. She knows something is up so she goes back over to Grandma’s house, not knowing that Grandma was Santa’s latest victim. And he killed her cat. Rachel finds the letters Grandma was going through just before she died. Her mom was having an affair with Mrs. Garrett’s husband... Dun dun dun!
Sarah returns from the store with a bottle of wine and is greeted by Santa. She puts up a fight, but gets killed before she can get back into the house. Santa then goes into the house where Gia is all alone. Gia puts up a fight, but Santa is too much for her and she dies a bloody hedge clipper death.
Rachel returns. She finds a mug of eggnog and takes a drink? Her phone rings, it’s the ex, Cody. He did some research on Mr. Garrett. He’s been locked up the past 15 years, about the same time Jamie went missing. Cody’s phone cuts out and she loses him.
Mrs. Garrett is back, and apparently so is Jamie. Backstory: Jamie was born a boy. Mrs. Garrett hates men and was expecting a little girl so with a little snip snip, she took care of it. I forgot to mention she used to be a nurse, nurses be knowin’ all about the “snip snip.” She blamed it all on her husband, but Jamie was taken away from her anyway. Then the eggnog kicks in. Rachel soon discovers her dead grandma and friends’ bodies just before passing out, but not before Mrs. Garrett confesses to killing her mom: The evil villain explaining the evil master-plan, instead of killing you, thus sabotaging said plan.
Rachel wakes up in Jamie’s closet, wrists tied to the rod, and wearing a Little Bo Peep dress when here comes Santa. She frees herself enough to shut the closet door and when it opens it’s Cody. He unties her. Is Cody actually Jamie, and who the fuck is Santa? Santa is back and attacks Cody, breaks his ankle, then disappears. Rachel helps Cody out of the room then stashes his wounded ass in a pantry. Now she is alone and it’s Rachel vs. Santa! She kicks him in the balls, but it has no effect. He pushes her out the window then jumps out after her. He grabs his hedge clippers and the chase begins.
Rachel makes her way back into the house where Mrs. Garrett is. She sees the Rachel mannequin is wearing her outfit from earlier. Just then, Mrs. Garrett attacks. Rachel gets the better of her, but Santa’s back and takes her to the “Time-out” room where she’s put in a little cage. The jig is finally up as Mrs. Garrett calls Santa Jamie! Jamie brings a bag to her and it’s literally a bag of dicks, “a variety of shapes and sizes.” But Jamie doesn’t want of one her dicks from the bag, she wants Cody’s. Looks like Jamie's getting a new dick for Christmas!
Mrs. Garrett sends her to get the medical kit, then devises a plan with Rachel to kill her. It turns out Mr. Garrett knocked her and Rachel’s mom up at about the same time, but Mrs. Garrett was supposed to get the little girl, not the boy. She takes Jamie to the other room, but kills Cody first.
They walk over to the Christmas tree. After a little heart to heart and apology, she stabs Jamie in the back, but Jamie is still able to fight back. Jamie gets mount and chokes her as Rachel takes a seat on the couch and watches. Once Mrs. Garrett is presumably dead, Rachel walks over to and says, “Let’s go bury this bitch in the backyard.” The End, as the questions enter my brain like an avalanche.
This may be one of the best Christmas horror films I’ve ever seen, granted, it did get a little weird and my judgement comes with two asterisks: A) The last few films I’ve watched have been fun, yet low bar, and B) Most Christmas horror flicks are just lame and seem to be made for the sake of horror at Christmas, with the exception of the original Black Christmas.
This film brings back the ol’ whodunnit trope from 80’s slashers flicks. The killer is always in your face, but so are the red herrings. It slowly unravels motives while still keeping you guessing. The ending provides conclusion, but at the same time you are still left with a WTF feeling. There’s a certain deliberate cheeziness to the opening, but by the 15 minute mark that all goes away. All in all, it’s a good Christmas horror flick despite having a lot in common with bad Christmas horror. There’s the family element that seems to linger throughout most Christmas horror, granted, what’s scarier than meeting your significant other’s family? But this film puts a twist on it that makes it forgivable. As confusing as it can be to watch, within 20 minutes afterwards, I was like, “Oookay, I get it, I think.”
The Badass Bitch Award goes to Rachel? I thought so until the very end when it turned out she was in bed with the killer all along, or was she? Was she playing along knowing the truth about Jamie in order to find out the more about her mom, or did she just get lucky? The ending was open-ended, but she kicked ass and stayed alive when no one else could, so there’s always that.
What did we learn? Survival Tips:
1) Don’t let your girlfriend handcuff you to a bed.
2) Don’t have sex on Christmas Eve?
3) Don’t drink things you find pre-poured in a creepy house.